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August 29, 2002
Yippee! I'm going to DC
Yippee! I'm going to DC tomorrow for a weekend of friends, frivolity, and freaking. I'm going to see Jim, Frank, and Jimbo. I'm so excited to be taking a trip, going to some new spaces, hanging out with old and new friends. I'll even be going to a modified PCV reunion with Kristie and Michael on Friday.
A friend of mine in Tajikistan reminded me of how I was living less than two years ago. In Uzbekistan, I couldn't take things like heat, food, or electricity for granted. But I also always had time for books, friends, and silly things like sunsets. My whole life was at a different pace. Now I watch the days spin away in a dizzying flurry of cell phone calls, email, and waiting on the subway. Both ways of life are good, both are bad. I don't think one is better than the other.
Posted by G at 02:01 PM
August 28, 2002
My friend Michael Lopez pointed
My friend Michael Lopez pointed out a great site called www.nextdraft.com. I was so impressed I subscribed, and will probably begin using it as one of my primary sources for news. It has an interesting take on the news, plus a great reference to teaching in Brooklyn in the link above. Since I start in just a week, it was especially amusing to me. I think that teachers of math are simply misunderstood. We joke all the time, it is simply that no one else finds us funny.
This is another article from this site.
First Daze
Yesterday afternoon I called my friend Andy who had just completed his first day of his third year as a math teacher. Since I wrote about first days of school for students in yesterday's column, I figured I'd call and check how the first day was for someone who should really be nervous. A teacher.
When I was teaching high school in Boston and New York, I found out very quickly that whatever nerves a kid had on those first days was wildly overshadowed by gurgling stomach of the teacher. Will they listen this year? Will I remember the names? Can I avoid humiliation for five long periods?
Of course when I called Andy, his response was ho-hum. No, he hadn't been nervous. And yes, while the first day is always tiring, it hadn't really been stressful. He knows his stuff at this point and unlike the rest of the teachers on his floor, he just went ahead and taught a lesson and skipped all of the introductory pleasantries. In other words, Andy is a Math teacher. So for the record, let's exclude Math teachers from any connection with the following columns and instead include only those with normal sets of human emotions.
Posted by G at 06:01 PM
August 27, 2002
Lessons learned from buying tons
Lessons learned from buying tons of stuff at Walmart in Lubbock, packing it in a box, and shipping it to NYC:
1. Walmart is still a hellish, crowded suburban experience, rife with swarming children, beeping cell phones, and a parking lot bigger than Manhattan.
2. It's not really cheaper.
3. Yes, five bucks saved. Eighteen dollars to ship the box.
4. Except for the instant gravy packets (bad idea because of the cholesterol, natch), all readily available here in NYC.
5. Money saved, weightwise, by throwing out protective box surrounding toothpaste tube: ten cents. Time spent cleaning after tube ruptures and covers EVERYTHING in a blue gel goo: PRICELESS.
Posted by G at 10:07 AM
August 26, 2002
It's time to celebrate. Sure,
It's time to celebrate. Sure, I could keel over at any time from lard in my veins, but I'll keel over as an OFFICIAL MATH TEACHER. I passed the painfully difficult Math CST test by a comfortable margin, something that truly surprised me. After all the grief of the Fellows screwing up my test times and information, I passed it in spite of them, thank you very much.
Twice in one day, feeling that knife in the guts. First at the doctor's office, and then opening that envelope. I just knew that I had failed, and my overpowering fear of failure was shrieking in the back of my head. You're a loser! You're not going to make it! Everybody knows, and they're just not telling you! I'm like that Australian jesus lizard. You know the one- if confronted, it puffs out those frills to scare you off. If that doesn't work, it turns tail and runs like hell, even across water. I think I put across a pretty confident front, but deep down I'm constantly terrified that I'm not going to be able to meet the challenge. All I really want to do is run like hell, splashing across the water, my chicken legs kicking up waves. This whole math program/ NYC life has been one huge challenge, and sometimes it felt like my confidence/frilly neck bluff wasn't going to work. Then I open the envelope with shaky hands, read the good news, and realize that it's good that I have friends that love me and keep me from trying to run across the Hudson River.
On a different tack, a particularly observant friend pointed out to me that I shouldn't be surprised about my cholesterol count, as I obsess over gravy and Crunky bars. What?!?! Gravy has grease in it? Say it isn't so!
Posted by G at 10:43 PM | Comments (1)
Nothing like a doctor's visit
Nothing like a doctor's visit to give me the spooked out willies. For all sorts of reasons, I always assume the worst with doctors. So my new doctor in NYC pulls me out of the waiting room to tell me my results. My stomach does the requisite flip-flop as I follow him into the hallway, where he shows me the results from my blood tests. Everything is very good, except for my cholesterol and triglycerides. My triglycerides were nearly twice the maximum for my age group. TWICE! I eat healthy, exercise, and sacrifice the animals at the lipids altar at midnight. What else can I do, except travel back in time to cancel out the fat genes attacking me from both sides of the family? The doctor tells me the readings could be off depending on what I ate that day, but that I'll need to go back for a second test. Damn, damn, damn. I've looked at all my cousins on my dad's side of the family, smugly noticing that I've scrupulously avoided the tendency towards the Family Name pear-shaped body. I was hoping that by abstaining from dear cousin Brent's "only eat the flesh directly from the animal you just killed" philosophy, I could laugh at his early funeral while looking good for those family funeral photos. Now I know that I'll be the early funeral, it just won't take as many pallbearers to carry my casket, plus I'll be a more attractive corpse.
Posted by G at 05:47 PM
August 25, 2002
I am an allergen magnet.
I am an allergen magnet. I'm irresistable, at least to the plagues of the bible. Pollen, mold, random floaty things all drift up my nose, do their little dance of histamines. I'm just waiting for the angel of death to cross the mantel and kill my firstborn sinuses.This whole weekend, I've been holed up in the Swanktuary, sneezing, sniffling, snotting. I can feel my face scrunching up when I'm trying not to sneeze. I just wish I could get a picture of my sneeze, as I bet I look really goofy. Bear won't sleep near me, because of all the ruckus, and I'm in a fuzzy coma because of decongestants.
I had a physical on Friday to be a teacher, which was tons of fun. It is nice that the NY Board of Ed demands that I'm tuberculosis free, that I am free of neurological spasms, and that they get all measurements to identify my body later. I regularly receive letters from both my university and Fellows program that contradict each other. It is possible that I'm supposed to be in my school next week, but it's not really clear. It is a bit vexing.
I've mentioned before that I really like my campus. Well, the Princeton Review agrees.
My campus is ranked as the most beautiful in the US, #5 for best bang for the buck, and a few other fun spots. I'm just so gosh-darned proud!
Posted by G at 09:13 PM
August 23, 2002
I want a Crunky bar.
I want a Crunky bar. It's becoming an obsession. It isn't something from my childhood, it isn't some ritual food item during finals, it isn't one of those new protein bars. For all I know, it could be Soylent Green. I was rambling around with Scott a short time back, and he wanted to go to M&M, the new Asian grocery store on Third Ave. I still haven't had the chance to go to the Chinatown markets, so a sterilized and odor-free version for hipsters is a nice foray into the experience. They have all these great aisles of food with strange labels, packaged sushi, and fermented milk water. They have this amazing snack aisle with all these new candies.
One of my favorite things to do on a trip is try new candies, chocolates, and snack foods. I would never have found Nutty HoHos or Chix Stix if I hadn't stopped at random fast food stores across the country. NYC has the same random snacks, just concentrated. That's why the Crunky Bar caught my eye. The word 'Crunky' brings to mind some foreign word for 'tasty' or 'makes you farty' or something.
I decided that I didn't need to buy the Crunky bar, I would come back later. I have returned three times, and the Crunky bars were GONE! I've asked all the staff, I've tried other things, but deep down in my soul I know that the Crunky bar will be the tastiest thing I've ever had. They're sold out and don't know when they'll get them restocked. Help me!
Posted by G at 11:15 PM | Comments (1)
August 20, 2002
I am just cranky. My
I am just cranky. My knee was hurting all last week, and I take naproxen to keep the swelling down. It irritates my stomach, giving me wild near-death-experience heartburn. I'm a big baby when it comes to being sick, and my knee keeps me from sleeping well.
We're required to attend some classes this week, and I can hardly contain my spanky cranky enthusiasm. Today I did get an abacus for my classroom, along with ten thousand books. Maybe some of them are useful, I didn't feel like looking. Did I mention I was cranky?
Posted by G at 10:25 PM
Which Peanuts Character Are
Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz
Posted by G at 10:03 PM
August 19, 2002
I love my dear friend
I love my dear friend Jen. She questioned my reality by doubting the virus 'parvo'. Determined to prove that this disease isn't like my childhood memory of my mother putting baby rabbits in the garbage disposal (everyone in my family swears it didn't happen), I did a google search, then sent her the links.
But I also learned something fun and new! 'Parvo' is actually Latin for 'small'. From this moment, I shall only order a parvo cup of coffee, take a parvo break, and enjoy parvo cars. Is it possible to be parvo-callipygian?
Posted by G at 12:10 PM
What a bizarre and frustrating
What a bizarre and frustrating weekend. I was scheduled to take the big scary frigging huge math teacher test again on Saturday morning. Teaching Fellows screwed up last month, making me the main character of one of those awful "When animals attack" shows. As their bureaucracy disembowels me with claws of well-meaning ineptitude, I usually keep reminding myself that the individual staff are really good people who are trying to change a massive system. They're overworked, understaffed, and do an exceptional job creating a program out of thin air. I simply have the special skill of being their test dummy for mistakes.
I made sure to not plan anything for Friday night, ate healthy food, studied diligently. I came back from Texas earlier than necessary to make sure I would have time to refresh my skull for this test. It is entirely possible that I have already passed this test, but the Fellows program had screwed up and they don't have my results. They basically told me that I have to take the test over, just in case. This would have been fine, except that when I show up at 7:30 Saturday morning to Pace College, the testing company doesn't have me on their list. Damn, damn, damn. I had worried about this earlier this week when I returned home and didn't have an admissions tickets. Being a good little Teaching Fellow, I contacted them. Three times. Third time, I get snarky comments from Caroline, the head of our program. She explained that I was obviously an idiot, they have all their eggs in one basket, and I just needed to stop worrying. I'm not an idiot, I wasted an entire weekend in NYC when I could have gone to the beach with my friend Jim, and I'm mildly pissed off.
I had great times with Scott, Andy, Nick, David, and Marc this weekend, just hanging out, going to the Chocolate Bar, the movies, etc. My term paper must be finished today, which is why I suddenly felt strongly about writing in my blog, I guess.
Posted by G at 11:37 AM
August 16, 2002
I could swear that my
I could swear that my loft is simply a big swank nuclear fallout shelter. My cellphone reception is truly awful, so I am forced to make a dash for the outdoors if I want to talk to anyone. This is all my own fault, as I decided to save money and use my cell phone for long distance. While I stayed in Texas, my reception was at full strength in the middle of my house. The difference is in Texas we use wood studs, no insulation, and the signal is boosted by all the big hair in the area, like satellite dishes.
Now that I'm back in Brooklyn, I simply dread all phone calls, as I pathetically crowd up against a window to futilely try to improve the reception. Everyone else with a cell phone on the street looks so important and suave, using those damned headpieces. I look some some heroin junkie trying to break out of detox, or some puppy with parvo in the pet store window. I could just use my home phone, but dammit, I paid for 4000 minutes of air time for the next two years, and I'M GOING TO USE THEM.
I have to go to bed early, so I can make the blasted Math CST test tomorrow at 7:45, necessitating a buzzing alarm at 6:30. The blessed Teaching Fellows office has screwed me to their own collective orgasm multiple times, leaving me slightly sticky and unsatisfied. IF their office hadn't screwed up once by canceling me for the math test in the first place, then twice not receiving my test results, then thrice (I love saying 'thrice') by not sending me the tickets for this accursed test, I could be sitting on a beach with good friends drinking beer tomorrow. It is very possible that I passed the first test, but their numerous goofs guarantee I won't know for a few more weeks.The worst screw was the bitchy attitude they gave me yesterday when I requested the location for the test that I shouldn't have to take, that I don't have tickets for, and that they mistakenly told me I didn't need to attend, possibly. Welcome to the Board of Ed, we don't use condoms.
Posted by G at 09:03 PM
August 15, 2002
I am such a wuss
I am such a wuss when it comes to the heat. It could be worse, I could be broiling in one of those fry-daddy thingies. I was all aches and pains from working out, especially my knee, when I woke up this morning. Working out is funny, the way a man being kicked in the crotch is funny. I woke up sweaty, took a shower, was still sweaty. The day was a monument to slackerdom.
Did I go to the math review? No.
Did I write my paper? No.
Did I wash my dog? No.
Did I do ANYTHING productive? Well, I did go to the grocery store, but I was hungry, so I didn't pick things well. I always do hunger shopping, buy tremendously impractical things, and forget basic foodstuffs. This time, I came home with five boxes of chocolate cookies, yet no tortillas or vegetables.
I also forced my brilliant and geeky roommate to fix my blog commenting system, then did a flurry of modifications and repairs. Somehow this justifies the entire wasted day. I'm going to put another icepack on my knee and go to bed.
Posted by G at 11:11 PM
I began working out again
I began working out again yesterday. I was doing great, feeling the burn, sweating, exhaling on the push, all the things you should do when working out. I figure I burned about 200 calories, or the equivalent of two packets of sugar. Afterwards, Roberto and I rewarded ourselves by each drinking TWO PINTS of beer and then eating wildly fattening pork mexican food. I should be one of those goobers who eats a tub of lard and drinks a diet coke. I am so sore today, but I will definitely work out tomorrow. That way I can drink FIVE PINTS or something.
Posted by G at 01:22 PM
August 13, 2002
It came to me in
It came to me in a dream. It would have been the best blog in the world. Wil Wheaton would have been swept away, the crowds would have swooned, and millions of monkeys at typewriters would have taken a million years to repeat that single entry. Due to my increasing enjoyment of blogging, I was tempted to jump out of bed and write it down. Unfortunately, I turned over, took a look at Chris sleeping blissfully next to me, woke him up, and got freaky. Now I'm just tearing myself up, because I haven't the slightest idea what I wanted to write. Hot beautiful guys/blogging. This blogging is going to get me in trouble.
Posted by G at 11:01 PM
After a week in Lubbock,
After a week in Lubbock, I can safely say that gravy is a good/bad thing. Three times in the space of a week, I had chicken fried steak. Once I had it for breakfast, along with biscuits, bacon, eggs, and coffee. I can actually feel in chugging around in my arteries, gumming up the walls. I also tried a tongue burrito for the first time, and also barbacoa. Vegetarians most certainly wouldn't like barbacoa, as it is the meat hacked off of the cheeks of cows. Not to play up yet another pun, but it was certainly tongue n' cheek.
I really had a wonderful week of work in Lubbock. I had to repair some rotted roof sections, paint all the trim, fix the spa-cover, replace some damaged boards on the deck, clean stuff out of the garage, rewire the blower for the spa, that kind of thing. Every night I went to bed physically exhausted, which is a great thing. I have blisters on my hands, which rather embarrassed me, as it shows that my callouses have faded. I used to be able to handle boiling water with a grin or use saws with no worries, and six months in New York softened me up.
Things in Lubbock that are good:
Friends
Aromas Coffee Shop
Walmart
Giant grocery stores
Really good Tex-Mex food
Industrial strength air conditioning
Thrift stores
Cowboy hats
Giant Hair
Posted by G at 09:04 PM
Flights from hell, Part Duh
Flights from hell, Part Duh
Directions on the seat in front of me:
"FASTEN SEAT BELT WHILE SEATED"
"USE BOTTOM CUSHION FOR FLOTATION"
To me, it seems a bit on the same level as "Caution: Hot!" warnings. I'm a bit worried about people who would fasten their seat belts while standing. Also, anyone with any familiarity with the panhandle of Texas knows the likelihood of needing a cushion for flotation is about the same as my hair ever growing back. The deepest water I know of in Lubbock is Lake Olive Garden at the mall. It's been flooded for as long as I can remember, and it would amuse me highly if we crashed there amidst the ducks and needed to use our seats as flotation devices. I can imagine this planeload of Texans all wading towards the pasta chain restaurant, people throwing us breadsticks in case we get hungry. A new twist in the standard flight attendant warnings is a new caveat about the oxygen masks. Apparently, if the cabin suddenly depressurizes, we shouldn't touch the metal pipe in the ceiling above the masks, as it will become hot.
We're thousands of feet in the sky, going about five hundred miles per hour. We're plunging towards the hard packed dirt of Texas, all engines out, holes in the wings, fires everywhere. I bet the pilot is trying to find some water so we can use our cushions. Everyone is screaming, the topless girl from that classic film Airplane bounces about, the masks drop down so we can enjoy some pure, sparkling oxygen. Damn! I burned my hand on that pipe! Boy, I sure look silly.
Posted by G at 10:44 AM
August 03, 2002
I swear I needed a
I swear I needed a shoehorn to fit into seat 27D on this Northwest Airlines flight from Hades. I'm up thousands of feet above the ground near Lake Something or other, clouds drift lazily below me, and I'm hunched forward trying to type. I can't open my laptop fully unless I insert the front part of the keyboard somewhere near my lumbar vertebrae, slicing gently through intestines and other digestive bits. Speaking of digestion, the nice flight attendant gave me two granola bars instead of the normal compliment of one. That should keep me alive long enough to see the annoying child shrieking in front of me smothered. As far as I can tell, today is also open season for ugly smelly people at the airports. The child shrieking in front of me is definitely an auditory confirmation that yes, ugly people are allowed to reproduce. His ugly parents keep regurgitating calming noises from their ugly necks, but this kid knows that he's doomed to be ugly.
I'm simply in a black mood, ready for the flights to end and have a real meal, maybe some chicken fried steak in Lubbock. I'm tense from travel, from the expectation of what it will be like back in Lubbock, from the mental exhaustion of completing the Teaching Fellows' summer program. They rewarded us with a keychain about teaching currently on the floor near my bed, and a stipend check. The stipend check is a welcome addition to my bank account, but like all things from the Board of Education, it comes with requirements and hoops to jump through. They wanted to reward us on our last day by getting us free tickets to the Bronx Zoo. Rather than giving this as an option, it was required in order to pick up the stipend check. Now, it takes me nearly two hours to get there from my home, plus the same trip back. I have wanted to go to the Bronx Zoo, but not the day before I am trapped in a plane for five hours. It was incredibly muggy, all the animals with sense stayed in their caves, and idiots like myself had to buy water for three dollars a bottle. Also, they included a sheet in with the stipend that said I had passed the horrifyingly complex Math CST test. When I told Caroline, one of the staff, how happy I was, she told me that it might be incorrect, she couldn't be certain. They had screwed up and canceled my test, and I had to take it a week later than everyone else. This means they probably included me in the group in error, but they don't know, as they might have received my scores. Or the might not have. She said she will try to check next week. I would want to scream if I didn't know how hard they work for all of us.
Posted by G at 03:44 PM