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September 09, 2002
My stomach feels exactly like
My stomach feels exactly like it did every day for the first few weeks of seventh grade. My mother would try to force food into my system, I would get close to the school, I would picasso the streets with breakfast. I don't even recall the first day of seventh grade because I overdosed on antacids after barfing in the morning. One should not take an entire pack of Rolaids in the space of an hour, as it strangely affects hearing, balance, and thought processes. The only thing I recall from the first day of that day is a weird slow motion trek down a hallway as my ears transmitted the emergency broadcast signal.
I feel the same disorientation right now. Since it is the teaching of seventh graders that is producing this effect, I'm slightly amused. I've survived three days of teaching, and I'm absolutely, positively terrified that I'm not going to make it. The fear that I'm going to fail, that I'm not the right person for this job, that these kids will not learn the math keeps running through my head on some endless loop, making me wake up with knots in my stomach, adrenaline pumping in my system, feelings of absolute panic welling up.
I've received encouragement from others, but I can't seem to remember any of that when I'm alone. I've never been a particularly organized person, and I feel this constant pressure outside of class to complete things, but I'm at a loss as to where to start.
Will I make it through this? Part of me firmly believes I will, part of me isn't sure if I'll be happy as a teacher in this system. I'm going to set a deadline of two weeks for the barfing, one month for organization, see what happens.
Posted by G at September 9, 2002 09:15 PM