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April 28, 2003
Yeah, baby, yeah! I am
Yeah, baby, yeah! I am SO glad I didn't buy an iPod two weeks ago.
Posted by G at 09:36 PM
Oh yeah. I should apologize
Oh yeah. I should apologize for cockblocking Michael at Trannyshack. I was very, very drunk, and Joey from the coffeeshop was so terribly cute. I was drunkenly heading to the bar for yet another Anchor Steam, and I spotted Joey. How was I supposed to know that was my good friend Michael was right next to him, wearing a wig?!?!
Posted by G at 09:14 PM
First day back in school,
First day back in school, by the way. ADD levels were through the roof. Lessons were absolute failures. I think one of my 8th grade girls summed it up best when she barfed up something with corn into my trashcan at the end of the day. Then she just walked out. What is this, the new bulimia?
Posted by G at 09:09 PM
Driving through Big Sur was
Driving through Big Sur was like living in a Motor Trends magazine. I just needed a ranking sheet and about five more convertibles to write a credible review. We hiked all over the place, saw all sorts of super expensive houses, and straightened all of the curves. We had lunch at this trippy hippy enclave in the middle of the Big Sur wilderness, and I had a REAL peep. You know those Easter candies that look like little chicks, brightly dyed yellow, pink, or blue? If you do, you know they taste like crap. I annually forget how awful they taste and end up lured into the purchase of a dozen with their sugary siren calls. This hippy trippy place made real ones from marshmallows and gave me a fantastic mocha on the side. Joe and Omer left for southern California, and we headed for Fatsville. Oops, I mean the boardwalk of Santa Cruz. Michael and Dana decided that no campy trip would be complete without exploring the tacky and chunky side of California.
Santa Cruz is a typical beachtown with a boardwalk. This suburban dot on the map has rollercoasters, a sketchy beach, and the fattest Americans I've ever seen congregated in one place. They were so large that the boardwalk had been replaced with concrete, even though the concrete still groaned under the cumulative weight. You have a pod of whales, a murder of crows, a flock of geese, and now a lard of fat people. Many of my kids in my school are overweight and have horrible eating habits, but this place was their obese vacation hotspot. I saw children with cotton candy in both pudgy hands, warning signs on rollercoasters that excluded wildly obese people, and manbreasts the size of infected cow udders. In order to immerse ourselves in this paradise, we purchased a deep fat fried twinkie. Yes, a fat fried twinkie. Each of us ate a third, which resulted in a queasy sensation all the way back to San Francisco. I'm infamous for my ability to handle fat and sugar, but this really stretched my limits. The worst thing is that we all felt ill after only a third, while I saw families where each child was wolfing down two of the little fat bombs. With this sharp reminder to watch our diets, we headed back home.
After one of my best weekends ever, I continued on my lovely vacation while all of my employed friends had to go to work with hangovers. This is exactly how my friends with 9-5 jobs feel when they want me to go to something during the week. My uberhosts Bruce and Dana both have semi-flexible schedules, so they were able to continue entertaining me. Everyone suffered except for me, and I'm grateful for it. Dana's ninety pound puppy was definitely neglected because she vented her anger by chewing on Bruce's iPod. Bruce tried to ignore me also, so I chewed on his Subaru.
The remainder of my week was filled with hanging out with Jessie, Chris, Casey, Michael, Bruce and Dana and attempts to meet up with JP from Peace Corps. I continued my search for a Crunky bar, although I am unsuccessful on both coasts. I went to a wonderful Japanese day spa for massage and full treatment with Dana. This was extremely relaxing for me, extremely stressful for Dana, as he had just had his eyes dilated at the optometry clinic. He couldn't see a thing, and wandered helplessly around. Of course I had blithely wandered off, singing my idiot song. I finally found him slumped in a chair. I tried to feel guilty but I was simply too relaxed. Even shrugging was difficult.
I also triggered one of the last horses of the apocalypse by going to Trannyshack with the boys, who all happened to be dressed as girls. Even I wore a wig and scarf-thingy. Pictures will be up soon, I just need to modernize my blog, set up my own domain name, that kind of thing.
Posted by G at 09:04 PM
April 26, 2003
I just read my own
I just read my own entry, and I really have to say that words just don't do justice to the sunset on the beach. Dana, Michael, Omer, Joe and I carefully made our way out from the beach on one jumble of rocks to the next. I can still see it when I'm asleep. Craggy rocks, tidal pools, suicidal jellyfish. The wind was cold, but we all wore coats from the trip in the convertible. The air had that tang of salt that fills me with the need to sing. We all sat there for over an hour as the sun fell, and I swear I heard trumpets.
Posted by G at 11:40 PM
Back to the SF saga.
Back to the SF saga. I took the opportunity to meet my cousin Omer and his boyfriend Joe. They live near Santa Barbara, so we agreed to meet in Monterrey. Dana, Michael and I rented a sweet Chrysler Sebring convertible, spackled on the sun block, snagged an adaptor for their two iPods, and cruised out of the city. We took the Coastal Highway and the weather agreed to be basically perfect the whole trip. Three fags in a convertible, disco music, and the sun- the ingredients for a perfect road trip. Being a control freak,I drove all the way down, reverting back to my old fashioned road-rage self because people weren't going 80 in the fast lane. The weather was just on the edge of warm, so the person in the back seat always had to wear a coat. I didn't care, it could have been snowing and I would have kept the top down. I've had a lifelong dream to drive down that highway in a convertible. I've fantasized the feeling of a lithe convertible straining at the edges of grip around a twisty bend in the road, the Pacific ocean glimmering on one side, mountains on the other side. Poor Dana and Michael needed Zanax.
I should also mention that we looked marvelous.
Monterrey and Big Sur were everything I hoped they would be, and even had piles of cheese added on. The area is chock full of spectacular scenery, spectacular aquarium fun, and spectacular scenes of rednecks, California style. We wandered around, floating along with the jellyfish and anchovies. Omer and Joe proved to be a terribly interesting couple. Omer is currently on sabbatical doing research on plasma coming out of black holes, and Joe works at JPL doing work on a NASA Mars explorer. They're a bit on the dim bulb side, and quite often we had to use smaller words with them. Working at mindless jobs must be frustrating for them, especially compared with the amazing mental stimulation of being a junior high math teacher.
I never knew that nightlife could be worse than in Clovis, NM, but Monterrey is pretty close. Before the sun sets, everything is brilliant. We packed the convertible, cranked the heat and headed over to the beach for the sunset. Sitting on the rocks as the ocean crashed and foamed below us, surrounded by friends and family, watching the massive sun fall below the horizon, I knew that I really needed to pee. Seriously, there are rare times when everything is good. Even rarer is being aware of how good things are in that moment. This was one of those moments. There wasn't a lot of talk, just easy camaraderie .
Once the sun set, the real fun began. We had dinner at a Greek restaurant, had a random conversation with the waiter about the death of John Denver (he became an ocean buoy rather than a mountain boy in Monterrey Bay), and apparently offended some nasty conservatives at the next table. I have to say that the only really offensive thing were the Stepford wives in this group, even though Dana heard one of them say that Republicans were responsible for our ability to have our conversation. Apparently Democrats are traitorous flag burners, and that woman's mutant sized SUV will save the environment, as long as her hair can still fit. Omer and Joe went to bed, then we narrowed the enormous entertainment choices down to the 18+ sports bar on the ground floor of the hotel, called Champions. Fortunately for us, we were older than 21, so we got the really huge stamp that said we were mature enough to drink. We also had the distinct good fortune of being there on karaoke night. I forgot how much fun straight folk have in their strange tribal activities. The bartender was an idiot, the lighting was on maximum, and we decided we had to leave when Sir Mixalot's "I like big butts" came over the speakers. I'm okay with the song, I just object to the large man with breasts dance humping the big hair girl with no breasts. Michael went to the concierge and asked where the gay bar was. We pretty much knew not to ask for gay bars, but were disappointed when we found out the only gay bar had closed down months earlier. She suggested a bar called Viva, which she said was the gayest in town.
Gay has a plethora of definitions. Gay can be good, gay can be bad, gay can be really really bad. Viva was really, really gay, in the really, really bad way. Michael bought a round of truly disgusting drinks that pretended to be mojitos while 12 year olds frolicked around us. All of this nighttime magic was accompanied by a bad metal/rock adolescent band wearing matching satin shorts. Their shorts were also gay, in that really bad way. The combination of the satin shorts and the simple syrup gave a lovely unpleasant queasiness to the evening.
Posted by G at 10:36 PM
I'll finish up the posts
I'll finish up the posts about SF tomorrow, but I just have to say that I did jinx myself by praising my travel karma. Whenever you are trying to use any form of transportation whatsoever, NEVER make any comment like, "Golly, we sure are making good time!"
Instant karma switch to the travel from hell. By commenting on my good travel karma, I lured myself into a nightmarish 2 hours and fifteen minutes of bus and train time last night once I arrived at JFK Airport. I almost missed my flight out of California because of my chronic lateness (plus Michael's terrible check theft scandal) but managed to get home with suitcases. I looked for taxis, but the only ones at the airport were private cabs and they wanted 35 bucks for a ten minute ride across town. I opted foolishly for the $1.50 subway fare, and spent the next TWO HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES trapped in an A train with a flatulent drunkard.
Posted by G at 01:34 AM
April 23, 2003
I don't want to jinx
I don't want to jinx the situation as I have only one day to go, but I've had a blast so far in San Francisco. Normally I have some misadventure getting to the airport or something, but even the flight over was good. I used up all of my good public transit karma traveling out to JFK, as every subway train or bus appeared instantly across Brooklyn. I arrived exactly one hour before the flight, the flight was on time, and checking in my bags went without a hitch, as I remembered to surrender my pocketknife.
Jet Blue is absolutely lovely. Service was good, the seats were fairly comfortable for coach, and there were no screaming babies. And cheap. Never forget cheap. You just can't beat their prices, or the wild amount of television. Since I don't really have cable at home, the Direct TV was amazing. I had 25 channels to choose, a little remote on the armrest, and some absolutely ridiculous headphones. When you have a shaved head, I really don't recommend wearing something with a metal strip that divides your head into two hemispheres. It's the same as the weird aurora that floats around my head after wearing a baseball cap. I surfed endlessly, as I am wont to do, but kept gravitating back to VH1 Classics. I watched for hours, as I was unable to sleep. This one girl who was about my age sat next to me, but I think she had hemorrhoids. She kept tossing and turning all night, making heavy tisking noises and heavy sighs. I finally gave up trying to sleep and turned the TV back on. After a few minutes, she turns to me and whispers tersely at me to turn down the volume because it is too loud. I'm actually certain it was hemorrhoids, or at least I hope she has them now. I was basically fine with it, I think I saw about six hours of videos from the eighties that I haven't seen in forever.
Dana L was at the airport and I was quite grateful for that, as it was 1 in the morning. All of my other friends were like, "Uhhuh. One in the morning. We'll see you for brunch." Dana and I had never actually met, as we had been communicating via my blog. This made his offer of picking me up extra special, and then he further impressed me by driving around the city, giving me a night tour of the city. We went down to the Castro district,out to the beach, and up to these two hills for a view of the whole city. The two hills are called the Twin Peaks, but the Spanish called them the Two Breasts. So we're traveling around these two mammoth boobies like a Subaru trail of sweat to the nipples for a view from the top. Just like real Triple D's, the view was magnificent and unobscured. We went to a pizza place with all sorts of froo-froo toppings like hummus and roasted veggies. Dana is a vegetarian like so many of my friends, but he knows that meat always be an option. I was also pleasantly surprised to see a poster for Mike Albo and Unitard, one of the funniest sketch comedy troupes I've ever seen. He arrives from NYC the day I leave, and the city will trigger an earthquake from all the laughter.
The first day I spent wandering around with Dana and Michael Lopez. We did some tourist things, most of which involved horribly obese tourists. Even the seals at the piers were horrified by the rolls of blubber attached to adults and children alike. After a certain amount of time with tourists, I couldn't even bear the thought of getting on the cable cars. That evening, we went to a gay bonfire beach party. It was hysterical because it was very cold and everyone was huddled around this huge bonfire. There were all these butch guys bathed in the glow of the firelight, making butch noises, when a mutant wave pushed all the way up to the bonfire with no warning whatsoever. Girlish shrieks pierced the air as the manly men frantically did the dry shoe dance toward higher ground. So much for stereotypes.
As far as beauty goes, I can see why so many people fall in love with this place. I'm in love with this place. I continually was amazed by the uniqueness of this place. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. It is liberal like NYC, but it goes a step beyond. All the public transit is electric, everyone recycles, and people apologize to the beggars that they can't give money. Nature erupts in some spectacular way everywhere you look; gardens, mountains, and the beaches give a totally different aesthetic than NYC. Don't get me wrong, I love NYC, but Michael Lopez hit it on the head when we were directly underneath the Golden Gate Bridge. He said that the Brooklyn Bridge doesn't have such spectacular scenery at each foundation. NYC is a city that spits on nature, covers it up with a grid system. San Francisco takes a grid system and shakes it up, usually as a result of an earthquake. Yes, Market Street divides the city, otherwise it grew organically, spiraling outwards. I'm continually getting lost here, but if you just chill out, you eventually get where you need to go. It's a philosophy that covers the city just like the fog.
Posted by G at 10:28 PM
April 22, 2003
I'm having a lovely time
I'm having a lovely time here in San Francisco, I'll be posting tomorrow.
Posted by G at 02:45 AM
April 15, 2003
Mooglie googlies. I FORGOT TO
Mooglie googlies. I FORGOT TO TAPE BUFFY.
One day of teaching left. Finished my last midterm. Monosyllabic.
Posted by G at 10:16 PM
April 13, 2003
Chris pointed me to this
Chris pointed me to this site: Taylor Mali - What Teachers Make
A bit too noble for me, but as the year winds down, I know I've actually made a difference in a small percentage of my kids' lives. Only three days of work until vacation, and I'm pondering if I should upgrade to Blogspot Plus. I could begin to include pics, which would be fun. Went to Scissor Sisters last night, had a blast. Their music has definitely gone in some new, good directions. The ballad was definitely the wrong direction, but otherwise the concert was really enjoyable.
I'm feeling really random.
Posted by G at 10:28 PM
April 12, 2003
I'm seized by the idea
I'm seized by the idea of a tattoo. I need a tattoo. My original and brilliant idea was my father's cattle brand, but upon reflection, it looks like a pair of pendulous breasts hanging over a shelf. I need ideas from people who know me. Now I just seriously need a good idea for the tattoo, and a location. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Email me.
Posted by G at 12:29 PM
April 10, 2003
Whaaaah? Dan's blogjust alerted me
Whaaaah? Dan's blogjust alerted me to the fact that I live in a super trendy neighborhood. I should have told the rats. MoFlo? My mind doesn't immediately go to something lunar...
Posted by G at 10:50 PM
As this ship of education
As this ship of education sails blindly towards the rocks of standardized testing, I'm wondering who is captaining the ship. Heck, I'm wondering who put us on this course in the first place. I've abandoned any pretense of teaching real information, as I am required to teach test-taking techniques for the remaining weeks until the tests. Our school has spent thousands on test materials from Kaplan and TWO other programs, yet we will lose all of our custodians, cafeteria workers, and assistants next year. We don't have enough money for any of my kids to be able to take their hardcover books home (I have one classroom set), yet we buy disposable products for a math test that has been shown to be massively flawed. My kids are bored, hypersaturated with information undiluted by comprehension, and will have their lives defined on a score of 1 to 4.
On the fun side, I was grading papers tonight, and came across a late homework produced by a student who was ill last week. She had written the comment 'asbent' to explain the lateness of the homework. I'm not saying anything.
Posted by G at 10:30 PM
April 08, 2003
Mother Nature has been conspiring
Mother Nature has been conspiring against me. Nature and my dog abhor vacuums.
The first assault was the BFR (see previous posting). We keep a clean house, we have an aggressive dog, and I advocate peaceful coexistence with all living things--except for cockroaches and rats. This has not been an issue the entire time that I've lived here, even though Dan mentioned he had occasionally encountered a mouse before I moved into the loft. Apparently the prior loser slob slacker roommate Ralph attracted vermin, I only attracted botulism in the fridge.
Regardless, the rodent issue coalesced around a mutant rat who grew up eating babies and used nuclear waste. He/she/it only showed up at our place because of the challenge. The first evidence of our new roommate appeared just as Andrew moved into the loft. I can sleep through tornadoes and earthquakes, so he had to bring the encounters to my attention. Bear normally also tries to attack rats at night if she sees them, but she was avoiding this one.
Every single method to kill the rat didn't work. Traps were disarmed, poison was ingested and pooped, dogs were chicken. We spent two hours one night filling every wall with steel wool, it removed it and made decorative art. We filled the walls with foam, it tunneled through. We mixed steel wool AND foam, it went through another wall. Considering there is no food floating around the house that is readily available, every effort was made to simply show that rodent could outsmart homo sapien. Finally, Andrew removed all the baseboards, installed a solid 14 gauge metal sheet barrier, redid the foam, and reinstalled the baseboards. We heard some scratching over the next few nights, but the sacrificial babies we left down the block must have lured it away. I was going to use some of my students as bait, but even rats know when they're outmatched.
Posted by G at 10:52 PM
April 06, 2003
Hold on to your hats,
Hold on to your hats, I'll be posting tomorrow about the mutant BFR (BIG FUCKING RAT).
Posted by G at 11:44 PM
April 05, 2003
There is so much chaos
There is so much chaos and confusion right now. People are upset, possessive, and confused. All because of the new smoking ban. I went to go see Andy's show at this bar above the Slide. Bar stools are always a prize at crowded bars, but now they are a territorial contention between feuding factions.
Before the smoking ban, if someone left to go to the bathroom or to get a drink, their coat would mark their territory. Now all the smokers have to go outside, so the stools appear unoccupied. Carpe stool, we always say. People were constantly having to tell someone to get away from their stools, the possessor of the stool was outside satisfying their nicotine need. While Chris, Rick, and Scott went outside, I had to fiercely guard our four stools, because it appeared that I was some psycho with a seating fetish.
A new etiquette will eventually develop, or maybe some clever New Yorker will develop a seat version of those little bracelets for wine glasses. The only other possibility is total anarchy, and nobody wants that in a bar.
Posted by G at 04:04 PM
April 02, 2003
Sex and paper towels. I
Sex and paper towels. I went to someone's site, can't remember which one for reference, dagnabbit. I'm just amused because my brawny towel choice wears a cowboy hat.
Posted by G at 10:41 PM
April 01, 2003
I'm just giddy with geeky
I'm just giddy with geeky excitement. I just got my sparkly new Canon digital camera. I justified it because I'm going to San Francisco in just a few weeks. I've been wildly unhappy with my antedeluvian digital camera with the broken battery pack. Now I can pull out my spiffy camera and take photos everywhere. Woohoo!
Also, go to **|** ANDY'S CHEST **|**, which is where I'll be Friday.
Posted by G at 09:46 PM