Glennalicious: Cravings

August 08, 2003

Cravings

I think I'm going to have to take up smoking. I know there are a few minor downsides to the habit. Sure, there�s the fatal cancer thing, the morning lung butter, and the breath of death. Mayor Bloomberg hasn�t really improved the image by forcing them all outside like hoarse beggars. It�s an expensive habit that keeps nasty bodegas open and profitable.

I wouldn�t do it because of peer pressure, market branding in movies, or because I�m rebelling against my parents. The reason is much more twisty. I joined JD for dinner the other night, and one of his friends was wearing this enormous cowboy belt buckle. Back in Texas we called them �redneck logic deflectors.� This friend of JD�s is obviously not a cowboy, so I was totally ready to mock him. I comment on the buckle, ready to open a can of whup because I hate when people wear cowboy hats, etc. without ever being near a horse. I am gasterflabbed when with a snap and a flourish, he detaches a zippo lighter from the center of it. What kind of devilry is this?!?!

I was like a Neanderthal with his first exposure to fire. I basically jumped up on the table, started shaking my arms about, hooting in excitement over this �magic.� The ones in the link are much tackier, if that is possible, yet I�m seriously craving one. I�ve been wanting to get my hands on one of the spiffy electric zippo lighters for some time, as I want to take it apart, but this new idea seals the deal for me.

Posted by G at August 8, 2003 04:39 PM

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Comments

Couldn't you just take up pyromania?

Posted by: kayo at August 8, 2003 05:12 PM

Also, did you really hoot? Is there a photo of this?

Posted by: kayo at August 8, 2003 05:13 PM

GLENN! DUDE! You use the term "Lung Butter"!!! Wow! I thought I was the only one (well, other than the ones that I turned onto the term and now the image of it is forever seered into their brains)

Posted by: Lee at August 10, 2003 04:23 AM

Does this mean you'll stop blowing out my lighters, once and for all?

Posted by: sam at August 10, 2003 07:19 PM

My need to extinguish cigarettes is purely altruistic. I want to save your lungs, plus I love annoying smokers. I'm a silly monkey that way.

Plus, I've been a pyro in my childhood. Farm life does that, plus it gets it out of the system.

Posted by: Glenno at August 27, 2003 08:19 PM