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March 30, 2004
Teaching breakdown
It's been a really scary long week. I haven't been in the mood to blog. My mind has been spinning in a lot of random directions. The problems in the loft, the attack on the street, financial miscalculations, and now the revelation that I've thrown away another year teaching.
Last Friday my school sent me to another school in our district to observe classes. This school has been doing our program for three years, and my principal was supposed to send us over there at the beginning of the year. The fact that we didn't do this until 7 months passed is moot. This school has the same students, the same ethnicity, the same problems. Yet it was different. Kids were learning, first year teachers were effective, the hallways were clean and orderly, and the staff believed in their kids. Their staff development was amazing, organized and clear.
Going to this orderly haven crystallized my frustration with my job and myself. Their teachers are using good techniques, their enforcement of rules and discipline is consistent, and the administration supports them. The chaos of the neighborhood stops at the entrance. I've been working my ass off, watching the kids jump off scholastic cliffs. For yet another year, they won't do better on their tests, I haven't really been able to reach the majority, and the whole reason I'm teaching seems vague and worthless. Endlessly yelling at kids wasn't my reason for teaching. Talking with my math coach later, I was almost in tears. She told me to blame the administration, as they are demonstrably incompetent. A teacher in the room told me to blame the students, as she felt that their ethnic group will always stay in the same cycle of poverty.
I blame myself, because I'm the one in the classroom. I see these kids every day, I know their weaknesses and their strengths. I know I'm only a second year teacher, and I'll get a chance next year to improve myself. My kids don't get that chance. It is very likely for SIXTY PERCENT of them that this year was their last chance at education. I'll get the chance, they won't. My experience will not be retroactive, many of their lives will continue on their downward spiral, and their only future will be to attack stupid white boys as they leave the subway stop.
Something has to change. Every year, there are 25 new teachers at my school. Teachers make all their mistakes with these kids, then move on. I want to move to this other school, and the cycle continues. People will tell me that I have to look at the "help just one" philosophy to get through the day. I'm a math teacher. Help 1, fail 89 doesn't add up.
Posted by G at March 30, 2004 07:51 PM
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Comments
Oh G, my heart breaks for you and your students. Knowing you, I am sure that you have had a positive impact on your students far greater than you think at this point. You are dedicated, smart, with a good heart. But you are only one member of a team that includes their parents, the community, admin, their peers, and the students themselves.
My hope for you is that you can find that point on the razor's edge between caring too much (and making yourself sick or ineffective) and caring too little (and giving up). Take heart, for you are working in extreme and difficult conditions. If you hope to keep up this pace, consider the role that good diet, rest, exercise, a hobby that demands concentration outside of yourself at least once a week, and having a home that is a safe haven from the craziness of your work.
You are one of my heros because you are a good man. Whatever you choose will be the right thing.
Posted by: Ron at March 31, 2004 01:57 PM
Dearest G
I am breathing with you here!
Posted by: Joao Da Silva at March 31, 2004 02:04 PM
Again, I say "quit" transfer - do anything befoer you leave teaching altogether - go back to UZ with me this May!
Posted by: JP at March 31, 2004 10:46 PM
Wow --- The teaching nightmare - the nightmare of urban middle school heck.
What keeps me renewed after 12 years of doing this stuff is the fact that every little thing does make a difference, and you keep showing them until they get it, and you keep trying and keep trying, and on another day they finally get it.
If you are doing all you can do, and you teach them how to learn from mistakes and offer chances to make it better, you are doing the right thing. There are some really good books out there on teaching kids from poverty - right now my administrative team is working with "A Framework for Understanding Poverty" by Ruby Payne. While I hate it simply for its title and the condescension therein implied, it actually points out a few things of interest about how people of different social classes access the world and make sense out of it... check it out sometime.
Be at peace, brother, you do good deeds.
Posted by: Dan at May 9, 2004 09:35 PM