« Off to bed | Main | Snappy pictures of Cloville »
June 24, 2004
Don't read if you're depressed
Actually, you might not want to read this if you're happy.
The trip to Six Flags (specifically the Nitro rollercoaster) has been a nice analogy for my month. Huge climb to the top, finish the thesis, graduate. Yes!
Mom dies. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaieeeee!
Survived, vaguely better for it. Things are getting better, no crying jags during night, dreams of mother aren't waking me up knotted with guilt. Dating, living, super-successful increase in kids' test scores. Feeling validated as a teacher, decide to actually stay in my school. Yes!
Discover yesterday of my secret placement on a list of incompetent teachers to be fired. Out-going idgit principal tells me of this, expecting me to be grateful, as list was eliminated. AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaieeeeeeeeee!
Verify that EVERY review of my lessons was satisfactory, EVERY class had increase of scores, merely that bloated idiot assistant principal had bruised ego and doesn't like me. The reason that I was on the list is because he hates me, the reason I still have a job is that I'm actually becoming a good teacher. Yes!
He'll still be my direct assistant principal in charge of my evaluations next year, and he is gunning for me. The reason he couldn't fire me this year is because he's lousy at documentation and anything else, actually. However, I am still far from perfect, he wants to get rid of me, and he'll be directly in charge of my evaluations next year. AAAAieeeeeee!
I can still move somewhere else if I want, maybe he'll get fired as he is truly incompetent, graduation was today, I wore my suit again. Yes!
Incompetent bastard unlocked my room at school to gain access to materials today, my iPod was stolen by a stupid fat slovenly evil 7th grader, my dog is sick and cost me another 180 bucks, and roommates and I had huge argument thing tonight. Aaiee.
End of ride. I'm finding this park not so amusing.
The really frustrating thing is that I had a WONDERFUL time with my kids at Six Flags. Some of my kids have never been outside of Brooklyn, have never been on a rollercoaster, and have to bring along a carefully packed lunch from their mom to afford this trip. Watching R, one of the sweetest students in the world, chicken out and step across from the first rollercoaster from fear, then return to the same rollercoaster at the end of the day whooping and hollering, telling me in his breathless run-on sentence way, ohmygodmisterthatwasthebestevercanwegoagainoh
pleasethatwasgreatdidyousee
howiheldmyhandsovermyheadjustlikeyou
andiwishmydadwereherewaittilitellhim!)
The real frustrating thing is that I think I could be a really good teacher, that I'm getting better every day, and I actually made a difference this year. Sadly, just the same as last year, ridiculous politics and small people make me want to leave. One minute my faith in humanity starts to build up, seeing the hope in my kids' eyes at graduation, the next I have kids and teachers telling me that the theft is my fault because anyone and everyone would steal. I see greed, lust, fear, and hatred every day in my school, and I'm scared that it will seep into me. I identified the kid that stole it, but we can't really do anything to this kid. While I was gone for the funeral, this child tagged about ten of my desks. I don't teach him, and I think he is jealous because I use more fun lessons with my kids (his math teacher is really crap). He is a kid that has just enough intelligence to hurt others and that's about it. I want to smash his fucking nose, I want to tell him that his shit life will always be shit, and that I'll kill him if I see him on the streets. All for a measly iPod. $400, which I can't afford to replace, but only $400. Is this me? Do I suddenly want to crumple this arrogant stupid fuck because of this? Am I the unthinking violence of my mom?
I'm so tired of this ride. I NEED THIS BREAK.
Posted by G at June 24, 2004 10:20 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.glennalicious.org/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/173
Comments
{{{Hang in there.}}}
You're in a field where the sort of disillusioning disappointments (holy alliteraion batman!) you describe unfortunately seems to be par for the course. it takes a very, very special and skilled person to handle that age group... It sounds to me like you're doing just fine. A part of you knows that... listen to it.
Congratulations on your graduation. Don't let the bastards get you down.
Posted by: MzOuiser at June 25, 2004 09:00 AM
Apple needs to build a self-destruct feature into all iPods if or when they are stolen. They should come with a code and a URL at purchase. After the theft, you could go to the site, type in the code and execute. A signal is relayed to the iPod and KABLOOM! Hopefully the sorry bastard is near when it goes.
Posted by: Pat at June 25, 2004 01:43 PM
Don't. Ever. Stop. Teaching.
Need help dealing with the etching thief? "People of the Lie" by Scott M. Peck. Yes, he's a christian--which is off-putting to some people off--but he's a brilliant psychiatrist first and foremost. The book totally put my outlook on humanity back into perspective recently.
Posted by: charles at June 25, 2004 03:34 PM
I can truly truly relate. One of the BIG reasons I ended my teaching career a couple of years ago was the truly outrageous level of politics in the school systems down here. Not just one of them. ALL of them. That and the utter apathy about learning of such a larger portion of students than I could ever remember it being when I was actually a student.
Posted by: myke at June 25, 2004 04:35 PM
We love you, G. And I have absolutely no doubt that MzOuiser is right.
Posted by: James at June 25, 2004 08:57 PM
G,
This is a joke. You made a far bigger difference in the Peace Corps. This is just B.S. Have you READ your own blog these past 2 years?
Heck, you can be a better teacher/mentor at Six Flags to these kids than in a classroom. Why not just become a guidance counselor? You'd make more of a difference (in both your life and theirs).
You should read your own blog sometime... believe me, you'd want to kick yourself. Just stop whining and admit you made a mistake already! You HATE this job and yet you play mindgames with yourself everyday! It's time to move on to something more meaningful. You wouldn't be the only one... Wake up, my friend.
--A friend who really does care about you.
Posted by: A Friend at June 25, 2004 08:58 PM
dude, ive been reading you for a year or so. first, so sorry about your mom. fortunately, i can only imagine.
second, i have no idea if u should teach or not, but i relate to ur accounts of it, and i'm glad that ur doin it. u care, they need caring people, 'nuf said.
my ipod is my favorite device of all time. i remember when i was jealous of not having the cool teacher when i was a kid. don't forget he's a kid. shit, when i think of my selfish need and pain as a kid.....shit.....
i like ur blog. ross
Posted by: ross at June 25, 2004 10:15 PM
quelle drag. but the good news is summer's here, you're on break, and you've got an extry yummy treat just south of harlem.
hope to see you this weekend (or soon thereafter) and give you a big kiss on your shiny head.
xooxox
Posted by: bob at June 26, 2004 01:28 PM
:-(
*hugs*
Posted by: PatCH at June 26, 2004 09:56 PM
I am very very sorry about the loss of your mother. You're in my prayers.
**I just got a bad performance eval from my former boss, with whom I did NOT have a good experience (and thus she is no longer my boss). It sucks.
I wish there were more helpful words.
Posted by: zenchick at June 29, 2004 12:44 AM
Dude,
Email me if ya ever want to talk about the living hell of the NYC school syst and formenting the revolution that needs to take place. Take it from gal who's asshole "principal" was compentent enough to keep the paperwork to get me canned. Get your skinny ass to a better school for the meantime, and we'll talk anarchy and revolution soon.
Posted by: Jenn Howard at June 29, 2004 07:46 PM