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June 07, 2004
For the last few hours,
For the last few hours, I've been sitting on my bed, waiting for the phone call. Bonnie and I decided that I should wait and see what happened. I got the call at about 1:15. I'm really just fighting the urge to hunker down on my knees, the darkness in my head more painful than I could ever have imagined. The tears keep coming up, and I just keep holding them down.
She never got to see NYC, Samarkand, Moscow, or London. She would tell me that it was so vivid from my descriptions, and that she loved reading the slices of my life. She said she wanted to be a mouse that could watch while I lived this life, this creation of mine. She would send me these great emails that were always encouraging.
She had this darkness inside of her, this need/fear thing that was very bad when I was a kid. She emailed me a few months ago and wrote this: "I realize I am a failure at so many things in my life, but when I read your Blog this morning I realize maybe, just maybe I didn’t totally crush you totally. I have been so afraid that all you remember is the bad. I continue to hope I did something right. Believe it or not I genuinely tried to be a good mother. I love you very very much Glenn and you can never know how proud I am to know you at this time in my life."
Our relationship was not easy. I loved her fiercely as a son, and I hated her for how she could manipulate me. I loved her because she always had faith in me, always encouraged me. I hated her for always rejecting me in favor of her church, and for the abuse that I had no defense against.
I remember the way I would always fall asleep, even at my last visit, my head in her lap as she would drift her fingers across my face. I remember the same hands striking me as a child. I remember the loving encouragement and support as a young boy, and I remember her screams of anger and hatred.
She instilled fierce loyalty and devotion from friends and acquaintances. She was generous and loving, helping out so many people who had noone else to save them. She always saw the best in people. She was an incredibly brilliant but deeply flawed person who did her best to raise her son.
I am her son, a sum of all of her strengths and weaknesses. She was always afraid that she failed all of her children. She didn't, but we could never get her to understand how she succeeded. My sister put the phone next to her ear tonight. I told her how much I loved her, how much of what is good in me is directly from her.
I want to say so much more. I want to say that I was sorry for every hurt I caused her. I wan to say how brave I thought she was for getting up every day, even though it terrified her to be alone. I want to say how much she is the reason I teach, the reason I want to help people. I want to say how I was thinking about her while I was graduating on Thursday. I want to tell her right now how much she will be missed.
I've bought a ticket back home, and I'll be back on Sunday.
Posted by G at June 7, 2004 02:16 AM
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Comments
Oh, jeez, G! I'm so sorry to read the news!! I'm lousy at finding the right words to say in situations like this and I'm sorry for not being able to. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. If there's anything I can do from all the out on this side of the country, lemme know.
Posted by: Lee at June 7, 2004 06:25 AM
G,
there is really nothing one can say other than sorry. I lost my mother a few years ago and all the sudden there was this feeling of loneliness that overcame me that only people in the same situation could understand. I just want to offer my friendship and you can use it as you please, even NOT to talk about it. (You know I can talk enough for both of us).
Posted by: Mr. V at June 7, 2004 08:01 AM
After losing a parent myself, there really is no other words a person can say other then, I'm sorry. If there is anything we can do, you know we're a phonecall away.
Posted by: mark at June 7, 2004 11:00 AM
Thoughts & prayers will be with you from afar ...
Posted by: myke at June 7, 2004 11:46 AM
All my good thoughts are with you. Safe trip home. oxoxoxoxox
Posted by: bob at June 7, 2004 12:07 PM
Dearest G
I will be thinking of you. Have a safe and peaceful journey home.
Posted by: Joao Da Silva at June 7, 2004 02:05 PM
It hurts me so much to read your entry today, G. I lost my father to violence more than a decade ago, and my mother's health has been questionable the past year. It hurts me not because I remember my own situation, though, but because I feel for you a terrible, terrible sadness. If there is anything I can do to help you, please don't hesitate. You have a lot of people here who will support you. My condolences.
xoxo.
Posted by: PatCH at June 7, 2004 06:22 PM
G, I know that your mother loved you so much and you truly meant the world to her. Be thankful for the time that you had together and that you found peace in your relationship. Though you may not believe it now, please remember that nothing will ever be able to take her away from you.
Peace to you and your family.
Posted by: Danny at June 7, 2004 07:31 PM
The news of your graduating was so elating -- I'm still a year away from that -- and now the news of your mother passing is so wrenching. I am sorry, and hope you find comfort.
Posted by: Cohort 6 Fellow at June 7, 2004 10:52 PM
My love and thoughts to you and your family, G.
Posted by: Casey at June 8, 2004 04:52 PM
Oh G,
I am so sorry to hear this news. Such joy at finishing your thesis, and such sorrow at the ordeal that your mother is going through.
I wish you and your family peace during this painful transition.
Posted by: Out There at June 8, 2004 05:16 PM
Oh, G, honey, I'm so sorry. What a beautiful tribute you have written to your mom. I can only imagine what you're going through. My thoughts and love are with you now and always. Get home safely.
Posted by: Jen at June 8, 2004 11:03 PM