Glennalicious

« For the last few hours, | Main | Weird town »

June 11, 2004

Home

Long, long week. My amazing roommates have taken care of my dog, something I was too freaked out to even remember. Amazing friend Dave and his wife Erin picked me up at the airport, helped me buy a suit, and kept me going. They passed the emotional wreck baton to old roommate Brian, who drove with me through the night to Clovis, a seven hour trip. Huge thanks to them for holding me together.

Since I needed to get to Clovis, I basically got 4 hours of sleep in two days. Any time I was asleep I dreamed about my mom, trying to reach her, trying to talk to her, unable to touch her. I held off on the crying because I really feared I wouldn't stop. I never cry, basically because of that fear. I always repeat 'John Wayne' as a mantra until the urge passes.

My sister Bonnie was at our house, and I held up until I got to my mom's room. Seeing my mom's empty bed was just too much, and I couldn't hold it any more. My sister held me while I totally fell apart. The grief kept crushing me and I couldn't breathe, and then shuddering gasps dwindled to simple tears, and then suddenly I was somewhat rational again.

Death is a weird thing. Seeing my mother at the funeral home was horrible, yet some more grief-clearing. I would have given anything for her to just be able to give me one more hug, but it's not going to happen. More crying, but also insane laughter with my sister. Of all the horribly inappropriate Muzak songs to play, I get Phil Collins' ballad "One More Night." I've never liked him, especially post-Genesis, but now I'll always associate him with my mother dead.

The church where we went for the services was one of those NEW! churches. It was right down the street from a church called ONE-EIGHTY! Apparently this is a church SO different from other churches, it's ONE-EIGHTY degrees different! Same god? Yes. Same Devil? Yes. Same sins? Yes. But different! Of course, my mom's church was the model of respectability for a funeral, except for the VBS (vacation bible school, for the non-bible belt reader) decorations in the foyer and main hall. This year's theme was tropical, with a giant volcano directly behind the center podium. What really made it special was the theme "God's love is overflowing." I think this means that God's love is like scorching hot MAGMA, or that maybe virgins and skeptics keep getting sacrificed, but my sisters both told me I couldn't mention these thoughts. I also made the mistake of hugging one of my mom's friends who managed to cake about six inches of makeup on my new suit, but I guess that's what dry cleaners exist to do.

So I've made it through the funeral, and now we're having to pack up the things we want. I'm the only child that wants to stay here in my mom's place. The others think it is weird, but I still feel like my mom is here. I've been walking around alone tonight through the house, and all I feel is sadness. I just keep expecting her to roll around the corner in her wheelchair, or maybe to be in the kitchen. Everything reminds me of her, and I don't remember the bad things, just the good things.

I'm off to sleep one last time in my old bed, in my old bedroom, in the house that I always thought was home. Every minute spent here is filled with memories, some funny, some sad, all final. Except for what we take with us, everything is being sold and given to the ministries my mom funded in Mexico. It will be weird traveling around the world after this, because I always knew that no matter where I was in the world, I always had a home to come back to. I will miss her so much.

Posted by G at June 11, 2004 01:42 AM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.glennalicious.org/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/167

Comments

Posted by: myke at June 11, 2004 06:30 AM

Posted by: mark at June 11, 2004 12:18 PM

Posted by: Jennifer at June 13, 2004 06:30 PM

Posted by: MzOuiser at June 15, 2004 11:19 AM