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August 11, 2004
Adjustments
So I’ve been trying to dress better. I’m very comfortable in my old boxers, my ancient Gap jeans, and a t-shirt. Friends have begun staging clothing interventions, so I’ve been utilizing their far superior dressing skills to make me look spiffy. I just hate the expense and difficulties of this whole snappy dressing thing. Simon and Derrick took me over to Diesel to try on jeans. They both agreed on these two types of jeans. Since one pair was THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS and the other pair was only ONE HUNDRED FORTY, the cheaper pair seemed quite the deal. Now I have a pair of jeans that had better get me wolf calls and free flights to Miami.
The new jeans are size 30x32, and I’ve always worn 32x34. Apparently, just like my penchant for wearing XL t-shirts, this was a bad thing. I’m fine with tighter clothes, but I can’t wear boxers with the new jeans. I think I look like an idiot in tightie-whities, but I’ve taken the dive into wearing them. We’re not talking Hanes, by the way. I wear Calvin Klein, 2xist, that kind of thing. I’m used to having all my kit floating free in baggy jeans, but now everything is trapped in a Martha Stewart scenario, carefully arranged and restricted. Little G just has to sit very carefully or things get a little out of control.
The worst scenario happened after a movie a few days ago. I’m taking a whiz in the bathroom. With boxers and baggy pants, it was quite easy. Open, do your business, close, wash hands, go. Not with the new setup. Unbutton, unzip, move aside, elastic band lift and shift, raise, do your business, then reverse the process. Unfortunately, the reversal didn’t go as well as hoped.
On the way back into the highly organized scenario, the tightly extended elastic snapped back, apparently breaking the sound barrier on its trip back towards my unsuspecting nuts. I’m not sure which was louder, the SNAP of the band, or the exploding stars in my head. I think I was quite manly for not dropping to the floor immediately, cupping my traumatized guys like some hurt baby birds. I slowly corrected the hateful underwear and went to go find some advil.
Posted by G at August 11, 2004 10:18 AM
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Comments
There's always the commando option. But you have to watch out for the zippers on the jeans then.
Posted by: PatCH at August 11, 2004 01:39 PM
The things we sacrifice for our gay fashion.
Posted by: palochi at August 12, 2004 02:05 PM
Mmm, I managed this one too; I can think of better ways to entertain myself, let alone the people around me!
Posted by: Stairs at August 18, 2004 12:52 PM