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November 25, 2004
Toys
I was definitely one of those kids who fell under the sway of the advertisements on Saturday morning. Being a latent homosexual didn't help, as I wanted some toys for different reasons than other little boys.
Stretch Armstrong. The commercials portrayed him with a real guy in a muscle shirt, sweating and fighting aliens. He was always wrestling in the ads with some other toy character that was vaguely lizardlike. The toy was this elastic rubber guy filled with some type of goo, and you could stretch his arms and legs about six feet without it snapping. It/he would slowly retract back to the original size.
I found the actor on television TOTALLY HOT. The toy was much more boring. Yes, he could stretch. Woopee. What really interested me was the laundry list of things that you couldn't do with Stretch Armstrong.
You couldn't cut him. You couldn't set fire to him. Most importantly, whatever you do, DON'T FREEZE HIM.
Well, of course I had to cut him, set him on fire, and I had to freeze him. Once cut, he oozed the most noxious plum colored gel. It had one of those strange petrochemical odors, and it stained the skin. Once I had him in segments, I began the experiments. He was also extremely flammable and left behind this charred tar. Freezing him caused the stuff to congeal and then crystallize. I put his poor mutilated body in our family's meat freezer, and in typical pre-adolescent fashion, immediately forgot about him.
I think I discovered him a few months later, badly freeze-burned, yet with the same fierce grimace set on his face. I respect that. I should find another, or maybe find the actor who portrayed him. He was cute.
Posted by G at November 25, 2004 12:36 AM
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Comments
I used to have my PeeWee Herman doll in the backseat of my car. One day it got really hot, and when you pulled the string in his back, he talked 90 mph, like the Chipmunks. I figured if heat made him talk fast, he might do better if I brought his temperature down. So I put him in the freezer. My roomates were freaked to open the freezer and see PeeWee staring out. And it didn't work.
Posted by: bmw at November 25, 2004 02:19 AM
You sound like you were my kind of kid! :)
(not to suggest that you're not my kind of kid right now, but that's another matter)
Posted by: Jess at November 25, 2004 10:11 AM
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Posted by: Mr. Hell's Kitchen at November 25, 2004 01:42 PM
Stretch Armstrong. Now there are some good memories. We cut mine open and poured the goo on my brother's pancakes since it looked like syrup.
Actually, now I hope it wasn't toxic. :)
Posted by: chad at November 27, 2004 10:29 AM
I had the green reptillian nemesis stretch armstrong doll. I didn't get the hot one.
Posted by: jimbo at November 29, 2004 11:28 AM