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March 14, 2005
Code of Conduct
Growing up, affection between males was displayed in very specific ways. My dad and every other male around me had the exact same habit.
Handshake. Firm, dry, just long enough to convey sincerity, just short enough to convey that the only thing you would ever touch would be their hand. Manly, manly, manly. John Wayne would be proud. Even hugging was inappropriate, unless someone was crippled and needing a temporary crutch. If they were crippled, they had to show severe pain before being permitted.
My first experiences with hugs were with my youth group in church. Hugging had certain distinct parameters also, such as only being permissible during a highly charged Christian moment. Charged moments usually happened when someone took the walk down to accept Christ as Lord and Savior, or during some prayer session, or during extremely motivational music.
I moved on to London and Europe, where people would pull you into a hug rather than shake hands. Their handshakes also didn’t meet the stringent Panhandle standards, usually losing points for limpness or sweatiness. Kissing of girls as a greeting was also encouraged.
Now I’m gay in NYC. Everyone kisses or does the hug with the face to face thing. I’m totally comfortable with it, but it dawned on me the other day that I’d actually prefer just shaking hands. Not with Derrick, as I’ll begin playing tonsil hockey in public. That’s different.
Kissing boys as a greeting can all sorts of ramifications. What if the other person doesn’t like it? What if it’s an ex? Do they think you’re trying to get some action? Does Abby have some advice on this?
Posted by G at March 14, 2005 08:49 PM
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Comments
you remember what happened to jerry seinfeld when he tried to get off the kiss hello program......don't let it happen to you.
Posted by: brian at March 15, 2005 01:50 AM
Gentle Writer,
As a matter of fact, Miss Manners (who I read daily, as should everyone) just wrote an article about this exact thing.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A56624-2005Feb26.html
Enjoy. :)
Posted by: Alan at March 15, 2005 08:47 AM
I kiss my married, redneck neighbor every time we see each other, even in the presence of his wife! My adorable hetero tattoo artist friend gets deeply hurt if I don't kiss him on the cheek when I see him. Times have changed.
Vaya con queso
Posted by: mr pinky at March 15, 2005 09:46 AM
Hmmm. I'm a huggy kissy kind of guy. Be prepared with carmex and fresh breath when you see me.
Posted by: mark at March 15, 2005 11:41 AM
Ugh. I can so relate. I'm not a big social hug and kiss guy either (unless it's someone I'm dating or whatever). For me, it does feel awkward. However, don't let too many of those "huggy/kissy" folks know about your reticence. They'll go out of their way to slobber all over you at every possible opportunity. That's how they are, y'know.
Posted by: palochi at March 15, 2005 12:49 PM
This is a great subject.. and just coming out, I debated this topic in my head. I'm an affectionate person (years of being around latinos), so PDA isn't an issue for me. What it comes down to is how comfortable the other person is - I can normally tell by their body language and eye contact... oh and if they're standing at arms length from you, extending their hand.
I think the 'kiss' has been sanitized. Hand placement is the new sign of sexual interest.
Posted by: jase at March 15, 2005 01:01 PM
My first reaction to your reticence was to think you should loosen up, but then I read that Dear Abby column, and realized I too don't want just anyone touching me. Kissing is different, as long as they're male.
Posted by: sam at March 15, 2005 01:35 PM
I'm not a gay man (not that I know of, anyway), but my policy is to hug & kiss anyone I actually like, and to extend this gesture to exes if and only if I have some sort of communicable gastrointestinal bug.
Posted by: Helen Damnation at March 15, 2005 03:22 PM
Dear Code of Conduct,
It is important to save your kisses for boyfriends, mothers, cute babies, and sexy bloggers. Just remember to check the bloggers for social diseases first.
Posted by: homer at March 16, 2005 02:05 PM
Now that I think about it, G's not very kissy. Even Bear won't kiss me. Dexter and I, however, being a showbiz family, will kiss practically anyone (Dex doesn't get the concept of air kisses, though). Fortunately for Uncle G, Dexter know how to shake...
Posted by: Charlie at March 16, 2005 02:50 PM
Yes, but have you considered the ramifications of the double handshake,(one hand over the top of the other) which is very intimate in Texas, and the length of the handshake? What about kissing hands.......still incredibly romantic?
Posted by: wsm at March 16, 2005 07:27 PM
Let me be the first to shake your hand.
Posted by: kayo at March 17, 2005 01:20 AM
Can't we all just do the Vulcan "Live Long and Prosper" thing?
Posted by: Michael at March 17, 2005 01:03 PM
Everybody wants a little sugar from G. Maybe you should offer bottles of Purell beforehand and just let folks massage your head instead.
I'm not particularly huggy either, though I'm certainly not opposed to them from my friends. It's most interesting in groups of people, where one person will get (or demand) hugs but the others will initiate handshakes, all based on one's level of intimacy with that person. In that situation I always think, "Uh-oh, Dynamics at work!"
Posted by: Casey at March 17, 2005 02:14 PM
That face to face thing... it just doesn't work for me.
Posted by: Mr. Hells Kitchen at March 18, 2005 04:07 PM