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July 31, 2005
That sucking sound
Moving into the new place in Harlem has really helped my obsessive side blossom, a kind of diplacus obsessivus flower.
Normally I'm too busy to fixate on the little details, but I'm basically free for the whole summer. I'm rewarded on multiple levels for this.
The boyfriend likes it, or at least he encourages me. I'm like, "Hey! These spacebags really work!"
He even pretends to be enthusiastic when I unseal the bags and proudly describe that the extra sucking power comes from removing the filter in the vacuum and then force him to watch me shrink down the sleeping bag again.
Because the Harlem apartment is a lot smaller, everything that I do to make it more efficient makes me happier.
I've been going to places like the Container Store and Home Depot almost every day. I buy things like more efficient dish drainers, better extension cords, and I keep looking at ways to redesign the wiring in the bathroom.
Don't even get me on my cunning ideas to mount my new planters in the windows. It would just make everyone jealous.
Posted by G at 10:27 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
July 30, 2005
Bush Jokes
I had no idea there were this many funny Bush jokes, as his presidency is not a laughing matter.
Posted by G at 10:53 PM | TrackBack
Not ready for the fall
Just a quick note of education etiquette.
If you are having a conversation with a teacher during the summer break, don't ask them when they start back.
Just like repressed memories, a sudden jolt can bring back all the pain and struggle. Nobody wants a teacher screaming hoarsely for hours on end, twitching on the ground, right?
I'm already beginning to look forward to teaching next year, but only in a theoretical way, a bit like the way I am looking forward to going back to the gym.
I was sitting in the Imax theatre with Mr. HellsKitchen, ready to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved the movie, and like Willy Wonka, would have been much happier if there had been no kids in the theater.
I'll be ready in September, but until then, please keep them away from me. I don't want to use the patented teacher stare.
Posted by G at 11:36 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 29, 2005
Finish the damned trip
I'm not going to say that I procrastinate and lose focus, but it has taken a whole week after I returned to finish describing the trip.
Describe it I must, said Yoda! I took photos and got a slight bout of food poisoning, dangit, so I'm gonna finish it.
I met up with Myke in South Carolina. I knew that I would be crossing the Mason-Dixon line soon, so I was determined to get in my last bit of Southern food.
He took me here.
Nothing is more wonderful in the South than a family food restaurant.
It was a grease and starch festival. I could feel my body straining to absorb each little fat nugget or empty calorie.
It was delicious. Possibly too delicious. My system used to be accustomed to enormous plates of fried food and barbeque, but it has grown weak and puny during these years in the North. If I had drank any sweet tea, I would now be a dead man.
It could also be that they recognized me as an ex-pat, and that they tried to poison me. My stomach was a roiling mess by the time I rolled into DC.
DC was fun, since I hung out with my friends Frank and Jim. Matthew gave me underwear advice. Luis fled Baltimore. I got homesick to see the boyfriend, and got home.
Done? Done.
Except for this pic. I like the water tower.
Now I can start blogging about my normal craziness again. Thank the gods.
Posted by G at 10:32 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 26, 2005
The forest
So I went camping in Georgia.
I decided to hike around on a state trail at dusk. The forest was buzzing with insects, the sun was slowly sinking, and it was a great moment.
Then the sun went down. I forgot one thing.
I don't like the forest at night. In fact, I get totally freaked out. This is a result of my dad habitually dropping out of trees at our old cabin.
My dad relished terrifying his young children. Mom would often send us to the basement (lightswitch at the bottom of the stairs) for something, knowing that dad was waiting under the stairs. The cruelest part was that he would wait to grab our legs until we were heading back up. Terror is so much stronger when you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Back to the Georgia forests. It was seriously dark, and I was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY CERTAIN that Bigfoot was going to come out and get me.
It took every adult cell in my body to keep from shrieking and running. I saw the end of the trail and my car, and it was the light at the end of the tunnel.
I expected my dad to grab my legs from underneath the car, but he wasn't there.
I guess I'm all grown up.
Posted by G at 09:18 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack
The South
I went through Mississippi and Alabama. Lots of fat people on the beaches, very strange hotels.
I spent time in Atlanta with my family on my mom's side. It was great to see my aunt and cousin, as I haven't seen them in over 20 years. This isn't spectacular for me, as I haven't ever met two of my cousins in England. My family is just like that.
Posted by G at 09:06 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 24, 2005
Sunday
I'm back in the city, and just like last year's road trip, I'm a bit bored with writing about it. I'll probably post some final photos with pithy comments later this afternoon.
This morning Derrick got up around 7:30 to walk the dog. Apparently he was approached by a white boy smoking a cigarette. wearing rings, doing the walk of shame.
"Ummm, how do I get to Manhattan?"
Derrick paused and pondered. "You ARE in Manhattan."
"Oh! I mean downtown!"
Derrick pointed out the correct directions and sent him on his little white way.
Posted by G at 09:04 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 21, 2005
Driving Rules
The Mercedes is a dream to drive. However, the GPS road system can sometimes be a little too observant.
The car's GPS was giving me directions to my next destination. "Drive straight for the next 6 miles."
I looked down at my "spicy cock" tshirt. Too difficult to change while driving at 70 mph.
I thought about the gay anthem music 'ncha ncha ncha'ing in the background. What could I change it to? Country? Or would I just have to stop singing it at the top of my lungs? At least I wasn't waving my hands about!
Once I was at the rest stop, I could jettison the good Shiner beer I bought in Texas, maybe buy some really cheap cans of Keystone.
Fortunately, six minutes had passed while I was reviewing the gayer aspects of my trip, so I was spared any difficult choices. The GPS didn't instruct me to "drive gay again" but maybe it just knew I would.
Posted by G at 04:56 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
July 20, 2005
NOLA
I have been mistaken for this guy and this guy and this guy. I was a bit freaked out when someone I didn't know recognized me as me, especially when I'm so far from home.
"HEY! You're that blogger guy who is on a road trip!"
This was shouted across a bar in New Orleans. I almost choked on my beer, but being a professional, didn't spill a drop. Kevin is actually a nice guy who discovered my blog through various links, but I really don't think I'd like to be famous.
I was about 12 when I was last in New Orleans. I just remember that my dad booked us at a sketchy Holiday Inn. My sisters walked into our hotel room, only to discover it already occupied by a naked man. Lucky, lucky sisters. Of course my parents moved us to another hotel. My family stayed away from Bourbon Street, but I remember lurid photos whenever we would drift near the street.
I returned to the city as a gay man, and I think I have found another city I could live in. It's so sultry, and the air just drapes itself onto you like some languorous lover who also happens to be drunk. The people are very friendly, the food is fantastic, and even the seediness and crime seem to be in slow motion, conserving their energy for a cooler time.
Matt, Kieran, and Charlie all gave me great advice for places to stay and things to do. I stayed at a great little B&B called the Sweet Olive. Even though everyone knows that I hate olives, I loved this place. The couple who own it, Dale and Dave, were helpful and sociable. Besides being very nice, they also totally saved my butt when I was running late to the cemetery tour, driving me to the starting point. That's service.
Posted by G at 08:46 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
July 15, 2005
The Great Houston Flood of 2005
Well, not really. It was mostly just three areas in Houston. I just happened to be in one of those areas.
I drove into Houston to get the car inspected. Since the car has not had good luck with inspections for the last two years, I was a bit worried. However, I drove it to Kathy's regular inspection station and it passed with flying colors. However, karma really doesn't like me to do this quickly.
Did I mention it was raining? Not just regular raining, mind you. It was one of those rains where you expect to see lots of sinners and a big old Ark, or maybe beloved pets falling from the sky.
I started to drive back to their place in Houston, but the water was rising. Not wanting anything to damage the car, I pulled into a Starbucks on higher ground.
I was then stuck there for almost four hours as the water kept rising. Lots of cars were stalled, the coffee was mediocre, and I was really regretting the choice of not eating before getting the car inspected. There were quite a few cute guys that would stall out, take off their shirts, and slosh their way out of their cars. That was fun.
Got back to their place. Devoured some yummy chicken salad.
Today I'm trying to get to Ikea. We'll see how that goes.
Posted by G at 02:22 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 14, 2005
Days O' Dallas
Zeitzeuge has many more pics of the night, but he also didn't mention the horrifying SEARING OF THE RETINAS when you have such a convergence of geeks. We had at least five digital cameras blinding us every few seconds. I still have little red spots tracing across my vision.
I didn't even see when Scott or Jim pinned me from behind and lifted my shirt. Who wants to see a really white hairy chest?
Even though I have never in the history of mankind given myself to hyperbole, I have to say that my brother-in-law showed me the best place in the world to get burgers.
Kincaid's used to be a grocery store that sold burgers in the back, and it slowly lost the grocery business and became a burger place. I had a bacon cheeseburger, stuffed jalapenos, and deviled eggs. Yummy.
I'm off to Houston now. Everyone think positive thoughts for the Mercedes to pass its inspection.
Posted by G at 09:47 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 12, 2005
The Mo in MO
Had a great lunch with Palochi, until he was eaten by the frilled lizard from the last road trip.
I then went for a lovely jaunt all the way to Springfield, Missouri. I just have to say that in the space of four miles, I encountered:
Porn in a former Stuckeys.
A sign paid for by a church that Porn in a former Stuckeys will send you to hell.
The center of all Ozark culture, including knives and fireworks, and 16" dolls with extra fingers and toes.
A building filled with bears, but not the gay kind. More of the kind with little flags sewed onto their bodies.
Can you imagine their high school mascot?
I will blog more about my hatred of Precious Moments. I was tempted to go on a smashing rampage inside, but I thought they might be one of those indoctrination centers.
All in one state? When can I move?
I finished up by staying the night in Springfield. I walked into the hotel after I had reserved a room on the phone. I was promptly surrounded by a swarm of rednecks and their families, all screaming. I had no idea that it was the gateway to Branson. That place scares me.
Posted by G at 07:24 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack
July 11, 2005
Pal O' Chicago
Day two of the trip was much better. The weather was nice, the road was much less crowded, and I got hit on by a creepy gay man at the gas station.
Note to creepy gay guy: I didn't mean to make eye contact. I just wanted to verify that you weren't retarded, as your outfit was from International Male. The bright red shirt with separate fluffy bits on the shoulders was truly amazing. Once I slid up to the face with Botox and scary frosted hair, I was frozen like a deer in the headlights. I know I shouldn't have been wearing my 'big daddy tires' tee, but you shouldn't have made the "rrrowr!" noise when passing me. Since I avoided making eye contact after that point, I think your multiple times circling the gas station in your giant yellow H2 Hummer was a bit much.
Chicago was great. I stayed at a friend of Derrick's, and her house was amazing. She was an excellent host, as she had never met me before, yet let me crash at her place. I took photos of her paint choices, because I want to do something like it in my bathroom. I like the neighborhood feel of Chicago and could totally live there, although I need to experience the winter there.
Went out with Palochi and had a great meal and some drinks. The bar was an old bar near Wrigley Field with mounted moose heads and other animals. I think that Palochi was a bit shocked on how little I know about baseball and the other sports. I had to ask him about which sport the Cubs played.
I really should do a crash course on sports, but I really could care less.
Posted by G at 10:42 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
PA is for Pretty Annoying
I think all road trips should start badly so that anything past the first bad day will be considered good days.
I picked up the super-smooth Mercedes on Friday and left the city around 3. Because of the rain and flooding, the highways were snarled up for quite a distance outside the city. However, I was surrounded by leather, chilling to the iPod with its little FM transmitter, and snacking on fudge brownies. Not a bad way to sit in traffic.
Pennsylvania was a whole different story. I picked up speed and the miles were becoming abbreviated. I just didn't count on I80 construction work coinciding with the GIANT MONSTER TRUCK festival going on somewhere in the middle of the state. Not only was traffic snarled up for about 25 miles, but I was surrounded by tons of mullets and big hair. It took two hours to get through that little section of highway.
Two more sections like that, and I'm seriously done. Saturday is a much better day, I know this.
Posted by G at 12:36 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 07, 2005
Roadtrip!
I'm leaving on my roadtrip to Texas on Friday. My tentative route includes Pennsylvania, Ohio, Chicago, St. Louis, Dallas/Fort Worth, Houston, New Orleans, and then it gets vague. If it works out, I might go to Tallahassee and pick up a friend to take back to NYC, or I might go through Alabama and Atlanta. If I do that route, I would see my aunt who I haven't seen in 23 years, which would be good.
Anyone have recommendations of places to visit? My route simply must get to Houston and then back to NYC. Anyone want to do lunch?
Posted by G at 12:40 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack
Crazy Homo Post 1
Crazy, crazy weeks.
I didn't write about WYSIWYG, but here are some pics.
I should mention that I laughed so hard at all the stories, felt very insecure about the hilarity of my own life, and got serious lessons in lesbian erotica and sex. You never know when that might come in handy.
I didn't write about Pride, but here are some pics.
I should mention that there are just too many thongs in NYC, especially on floats with enormous speakers.
Packing and moving are as fun for me as having my nuts frozen with liquid nitrogen and smashed with a hammer. Lots of things went wrong,
lots of things went quite well.
The crucial positive factors would be my super friends, who helped me pack all of my stuff with good humor and cute sweaty muscles.
Derrick also gets kudos for not killing me. No kudos at all for U-Haul, as they screwed up on the size of my truck, even though I called the station three days before to make sure that they had the right size truck. Even better, the U-Haul truck they gave me had a bad transmission (no first gear or overdrive) and no loading ramp. Once again, friends like Charlie, Matt, Simon, David, and Jeremy are the heroes of the story. We also know that our friend David can stuff huge packages into a tiny dark space, and we admire that skill.
Our new place is really great, although it has a terrific slope to the floors. Bear stopped eating for some time, but has taken to eating and pooping with renewed vigor. Her vigorous poops are now on grass in the park down the block, which makes me feel better. I'll take pics of the place once all the boxes are unpacked, but that won't be for a few weeks.
I didn't write about the 4th of July, but I should mention that we watched the show from the spire of a converted church in Brooklyn, beers in hand, music on the boom box. Here's a pic!
Life is good.
Posted by G at 11:06 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 04, 2005
I just don't have access to the internet
I'm not dead or anything, far from it. Derrick and I are moving into our new place. It is really amazing, but we don't have any internet access.
Time Warner is coming into the apartment on Wednesday. Immediately after they're done with the installation, I'll post like a crazy homo.
Posted by G at 11:07 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack