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August 24, 2005
Higher Order
Somewhere along the evolutionary line lies the hominid from whom I inherited my eating habits. Just like those very hirsute men, I really don't need implements. I'm perfectly satisfied tearing at haunches of meat or recently killed tofu. It gets even better if the food is wrapped in a tortilla. Who needs a spoon when tortilla chips can scoop up a bowl of chili?
Obviously, higher-order humans like Derrick don't get this. He'll try to make me a sandwich, but I've already spread mayo, cheese, and meat into a burrito. I can put anything in a burrito: chili, curries, salads, whole chickens, a hoof, that sort of thing. One time I put peanut butter and honey in a tortilla, microwaved it, and then blistered the roof of my mouth when the molten honey shot like sweet magma into my mouth. Other than that one incident, I've been pretty successful, as I've learned to gauge the heat of the meal through the lovely and efficient tortilla.
When I'm feeling particularly evolved, I'll drag my knuckles to the kitchen and go for the utensils. However, I really don't get small spoons. I can basically understand the difference between small forks and large forks. Small spoons are useless, as far as I'm concerned. If I were to try to eat soup with a tiny spoon, it would take decades. A big spoon just makes appropriate dents into food, and if I'm ever stuck in prison, I could construct a tunnel in much less time.
Posted by G at August 24, 2005 06:18 PM
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Comments
big disagreement chez jon over which implement is better for cereal. The JP insists on the small spoon, and I think that's batshit crazy. Big spoons are for eating, small spoons are for stirring coffee.
Posted by: jwc at August 25, 2005 07:31 AM
Even though the small spoons are in fact, teaspoons, and JWC is right...only for stirring tea, I use them for eating cereal. However, I use the big spoons for eating anything else. Of course, a real soup spoon (which is NOT the bigger spoon that comes with most flatware sets) is almost as small as a teaspoon, and I'll use that to eat my soup if it is provided. I only use teaspoons to eat with if no one else will see me doing it, because I don't want to be thought of as gauche. However, as for prison breaks, I find ladles to be much improved over the big spoons.
Don't worry, it makes complete sense to me. I don't require others to understand the subtle nuances of my neuroses.
Posted by: Alan at August 25, 2005 12:40 PM
Dear Anneanderthal Landers:
I have a friend who refuses to use a small spoon. I am so ashamed of him. Do you have any advice?
Sincerely yours,
Evolved in East Lansing
. . .
Dear Eel:
Grunt. Slap. Ugh. Hit. Growl. Bite.
Ann
Posted by: palochi at August 25, 2005 02:18 PM
Very easy to clean your kitchen after a meal, I guess. Since, you ate or licked clean all the implements...
Eh?,
Mr. H.K.
Postcards from Hell's
Kitchen
And I Quote Blog
Posted by: Mr H.K. at August 25, 2005 02:24 PM
For the sugar bowl and your sweet tea?
Posted by: sam at August 25, 2005 07:14 PM
At least you use spoons at all.
Oh, thank you for this laugh!! Kiss the Der-bear for me.
Posted by: MzOuiser at August 29, 2005 04:38 PM