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November 30, 2005
Hunting skills
I caught the movement out of the corner of my eye. I can always spot them, like some eerie "Where's Waldo" idiot savant. Derrick has commented on my uncanny skill, but I know that it's simply an inherited skill. When I was a kid, my dad was able to see a deer/turkey/elk from a mile away, in a snowstorm, at night, in a car going 90 mph.
It happened every trip. He would force all of us into the car and we would go driving, purportedly to appreciate nature. None of us really appreciated nature. All three of his kids would be ensconced in the back, reading books. Bonnie would always get nauseous, as she is incapable of any travel without throwing up in my lap. Mom and Dad would talk in the front, and suddenly he would slam on the brakes. "Look at that deer/turkey/porcupine/elk/rabid chicken!" We'd all scan around, struggling to spot in the forest that one creature that he found so easily. We'd appreciate it or shoot it, then go back to reading.
Originally, we would try to compete with him on spotting animals, but it was impossible. Somehow, his ability to spot animals was not passed on to the next generation. My mentally inert cousin Brent has the skill, as evidenced by his wall of death in his living room. I always thought that it was a shame that I didn't inherit it too.
I do have the skill, just for a different purpose. When I was a kid, I was always finding guys taking off their shirts. I could find a hot guy taking his shirt off from a mile away, in a snowstorm, at night, in a car going 90 mph. Wild animals interest my dad, sexy manly chests interest me. I think my skill is much more useful.
Posted by G at 06:54 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
November 28, 2005
Who's on first?
I feel like that clueless elementary school kid on the playground. Why does sex equate to baseball? I don't think about baseball during sex.
One of the kids was screaming about an over-age sixth grader attacking her. He's just turned 15, and he's still in 6th grade. Lovely.
First base= holding hands? Second base= kissing? Third base= groping? Home base= sex?
Is there a gay version? First base= handjobs? Second base= blowjobs? Third base= ???
The mind boggles.
Posted by G at 10:03 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
November 27, 2005
Cooking (in)ability
When it comes to parties/dinners, I'm always the wine/supplies guy. Maybe it's my multiple entries about food poisoning and botched foods, but people always request that I bring the cups, paper plates, or the drinks.
My school had a Food Thing on Wednesday. My assistant principal asked me if I could cook something. I suggested I could make the mashed potatoes or some sweet potatoes. She asked me if it would have soul. With a school filled with large soulful women, one shouldn't bring soulless food.
I brought the plastic utensils and chowed down on food full of soul (just so you know, bacon drippings= soul).
Apparently my knife skills class gave him a reason to venture into semi-dangerous territory, as Matt asked us to bring the rolls, a pie, and my turkey cutting skills to his Thanksgiving meal. This was a slight problem, as we didn't carve any meats. Apparently that is in Knife Skills 2. Matt sounded relieved that they wouldn't have to see me wielding a knife, so we were left with pie and roll duty.
Derrick bought a chocolate pecan pie at Kitchenette. I bought rolls at the local grocery. I was really frustrated, as I felt like the wheelchair-bound kid with glasses on some afternoon TV special. Inclusion is nice, but being responsible for rolls is the special bus of the Thanksgiving meal. Turn on the oven, pop open the rolls, set the timer. Done.
I decided I was going to surprise everyone with cornbread. I'd made it back in Texas to good reviews, although it had been about 5 years. While Derrick was typing away in the study, I went into the kitchen to make kitchen history. I probably should have given up whenever I knocked over the whole wheat flour, barely catching it just before it exploded across the floor. Whenever I minced the jalapenos to add into the batter, I should have thought twice before touching my eye. I staggered around the kitchen, trying not to disturb the boyfriend as the jalapeno juice melted into my brain. I finally got the two versions, northern and southern, into their respective baking holders.
They turned out not just okay, but relatively good. Not life-changing, but good. The whole dinner was fairly good.
Matt handled the slicing of the turkey, although I think he liked his knife a little too much.
Patrick made sure the libations were ample.
Matt was bad, so we made him sit at the little kids' table.
Posted by G at 03:43 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
November 22, 2005
Kinsey scales
Dr. Alfred Kinsey created a 7 point continuum rating a person's sexual orientation. 0 was exclusively heterosexual, 6 was exclusively gay. Being a math teacher, I will point out to many bubbly gays that it is NOT a six point scale, but that is not what I'm talking about today. I'm definitely not a 0 or a 6, but that is not what I'm talking about today either.
Joe My God had an intriguing entry about his views on monogamy. I was going to comment, but someone already commented in the 69 spot, which I really wanted. When I started reading, it was on comment 68, and by the time I was ready to comment, it was 69. Damn my slow reading! I was going to comment that all relationships probably have their own Kinsey scale, with some people being exclusively monogamous while others are exclusively promiscuous. Just like sexual orientation, one is not superior to the other. The interesting thing in this scale is that it involves a relationship. One person could be a 0 with a partner at 3. Relationships work themselves out.
Personally, I think that Kinsey should have researched a scale of morning 0/night people 6. Derrick is a 2, I'm a 4. I'm not truly awful in the morning, and I'm not truly great at night. Derrick is mostly perky most of the time, but has enough limits to keep him from being extreme(ly annoying). I actually changed my major in college because some of my class requirements started at eight, and I'm becoming rather sad about staying out late. My dad is a horrifying 0, and he can't understand how anyone can sleep past six a.m or stay awake past nine. Many of his family are like this, but then, most of them are straight.
Give me coffee, and I'll shift along the continuum, but that doesn't last for long.
Posted by G at 06:15 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
November 20, 2005
Fixed it myself, no thanks to you know who
It's not perfect, but it's better. It took me five times to remove, reinstall, reset, and repaste things, but I have a semi-functioning blog. The search works, the links work, even the archives appear again. Most of all, the entry/input panel finally functions again. I wish I could figure out how to space out the right hand columns divisions, but that will have to wait for Santa.
Since I did this myself, I plan on paying myself $100, fixing some shelves, buying some alcohol, making some dinner, and finishing off with my own erotic massage with a happy ending.
Posted by G at 01:46 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
November 14, 2005
Deeply disturbed blog
My blog is deeply messed up. Notice the archives? They don't work. Notice the search feature? Doesn't work. You should see the painful way I have to enter my text, and none of the plugins work.
I don't need advice, I need someone to take my logins/passwords and fix it. I know that the problems are basic, but they might as well be in Chinese to me. I have neither the time nor the desire to learn coding and tags.
Payment options:
* Cash- I dunno, $100?
* Fix things in your house (put up shelves, rewire an outlet, that kind of thing)
* Alcohol tab
* Dinner
* Erotic massage with happy ending
Email me if you have the skills and time. This would be one of those eternally grateful things.
Posted by G at 06:20 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack
November 13, 2005
Weekends with Men
Witty movie-watching with cute smart guys is the best way to conclude a Friday evening. Over at Michael's giant TV room, we watched Femme Nikita and Long Kiss Goodnight. My favorite moments were when Geena Davis throws her child out the hole in the wall, and her ice-skating/car-chasing scene. The ending had all of us roaring in laughter.
Saturday was Eric's birthday party, with an enormous number of people packed into a very small but attractive space (a bit like my boyfriend). Someone had to bring up the story of some Israel wedding where the floor collapsed, which kept me near the wall the whole night. Derrick finally got to meet the incredibly smart JoeMyGod. Miraculously, I did not get drunk, nor did I get any cake. As Zeitzeuge was not there, no packages were exposed, which is a shame, as I definitely wouldn't have minded on quite a few of the men.
Posted by G at 11:03 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
November 12, 2005
Dear Texas
I just wanted to thank the 3 out of 4 people in Texas who voted for Proposition 2. Thank you so much for encapsulating your hatred, bigotry, and fear into a neat little package!
I truly appreciate the feelings of shame I get every time I take out my Texas drivers license. I am so ecstatic that I own property there in Jeebusland, as I'm sure that with values like yours, my house value will skyrocket.
Oh, and I'd also like to send a big thanks to all the apathetic gays across the state. Apparently, the actual voter turnout was low enough that if certain gay districts in Houston, Dallas, and Austin had actually voted, the law wouldn't have passed. Good for you, this would make the drag queens of Stonewall proud.
You are #1 for death penalty executions, ,execute people more retarded than President Bush,, and are in the top ten states for divorce.
Truly wonderful. Really. Be proud of yourselves and your general slide into a golden age of ignorance and hatred.
Posted by G at 08:17 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
November 10, 2005
Cocoa
Praise Zod that I have a 3 day weekend. Tonight I'm having dinner with my aunt and uncle, and tomorrow:
Oh yes. Sublimation is sublime.
Posted by G at 04:58 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
November 06, 2005
Another Week in Paradise!!!
I had a cold all of last week! It was a really bad week at school! Genuinely bad! Since I don't want any comments from underminers, I'm going to describe last week in cheery vignettes! They aren't cheery, but I'll conclude them with exclamation points, just like a really annoying trainer at my school does with all of her emails! Her last email to me had 18 exclamation points for 4 sentences! I hate her!!
Okay! My school is a wreck! My poor principal is really overwhelmed and spends most of his time behind closed doors in meetings with his superiors!!! He doesn't know how to approve any purchases for the school, and he doesn't know how to check his own email! Woohoo! I had to train myself on the obscure purchasing system for schools, the funding is there, but he doesn't approve anything! All he has to do is sign into the system and click one dialog box, and my teachers can get some supplies! He wont'/can't!!! Hurrah!!!!! My teachers lack overhead projectors, basic paper, and basic books! So many things are ready and waiting merely for his approval, but apparently he feels so threatened by his lack of knowledge that he won't ask for help in purchasing! Last week he also sent me down to the other school in our building to make decisions on a testing program, but it wasn't for math! It was for English! He should have asked his assistant principals to do this, but there are fundamental communication problems! He's already got me in trouble with one of my assistant principals because he left her out of the loop on some important decisions! She will be the administrator who gives me my filed review! Yes!!!!!!
The assistant principals are really amazing, but so overtaxed! Whee! They, like me, are spending all their time correcting all of the mistakes that don't happen in a normal middle school! The city mandates Princeton Review exams to assess skills in math and English! Our test sets were so badly mismatched to our students, as our attendance and admittance records are two months behind! I had to hand sort/hand bubble two hundred fifty tests for each subject, as the testing coordinator/dean had a breakdown! She actually had to break up fifteen fights before lunch in my school, so she fled screaming and crying from the building! Yay!
In one day, I had to help three teachers having breakdowns! One had her bag stolen by a class from hell that she was covering! They shredded everything of hers, including personal pictures! So many of our kids are extremely low-level, and this last diagnostic test had most of them freaking out! Guess what?!? We're giving them more tests on Monday! Whoopee! They'll absolutely freak out!!! The fire alarm bells were illegally pulled by students wandering the hallways over 70 times last week! Each time, someone has to announce on the PA system, "Please disregard the bells." It is so exciting! I can't wait to see what will happen if there ever is an ACTUAL fire in our building! Won't those kids be surprised! Nothing like slowly being overcome by smoke and throwing yourselves out of buildings, because clanging a fucking bell is so fun!!!!
My principal fired my literacy counterpart a week ago! He found a problem with her certification, so he eliminated her! However, she was the only person who had received critical training and information, so now I've had to assume many of her duties!! Wowsers!
I don't ever actually get to do my assigned job! My teachers appreciate what I'm doing, but it isn't what I need to be doing! I'm working every day until late! I never have time to eat! I'm tired! Because of the cold, I can't drown my frustrations in a tasty beer! All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
I really hate exclamation points! I'm serious!!!!
Posted by G at 02:32 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack
November 02, 2005
Eating Rabbit
Actually, the title just reminded me of an ex-girlfriend of mine who couldn't ever say she farted. She would say she shot rabbits. Very disturbing, unlike the whole weekend.
Chicago is just overflowing with Canadians, Nebraskans, bloggers, and friends from Texas. It also has people who hit men in the head with bricks, but that is just a bonus.
We stayed with Derrick's friends in Rogers Park (we think). We know they were Derrick's friends, we just can't remember which section of town they live in. It's not like we're the type of guys who get drunk and just break into houses. We're just not like that. Ever.
Quick notes-
We did take pictures of Palochi, but Derrick accidentally deleted them. Palochi and Derrick hadn't met, and because of the height difference, I'm still not sure if they did. Drag queens are always way more fun if they whip their hair around so rapidly that the sound barrier is broken. Drag queen fanatics should not be allowed to videotape the show with 80's era video cameras with 1000 watt search lights attached. Chicken-chested homosexuals at Lush don't know how to sell soap to save their bubble-headed lives, chocolate in all its forms is worshipful and good, and Benetton really needs to smooth down the pores on their 50' tall models. Tye is also a 50' foot tall glamazon model, but he has terrific pores.
Honestly, Chicago is a serious contender for a living space for us, and not just for Erica's birthday cake. The brick thrower is icing.
Posted by G at 10:10 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
November 01, 2005
Chicago Trip, Part 1
I'm slightly fighting a cold, so I only had energy to set up the pix. Enjoy until the rest of the post.
Click here for the rest of the pics.
Posted by G at 10:14 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack