Glennalicious

Don't feel bad. You do what you can to survive. Personally, I don't care for "Pride" nor have I ever. Mostly because I share nothing in common with most posterchildren of Gay Pride, aside from being partnered with a man. But this isn't my soap box, its yours; and I support you because we're all in different places and because "pride" is a social luxury some of us don't wish to afford.

Actually, I think that your comment to the fighting boys was powerful and clever. Coming from you, it was very appropriate.

Urgh. I did nearly the exact same thing at my school earlier this year. While I doubt it is as bad as it is in the city, up here in the boonies, to the kids, at least, being called a fag is pretty much the worst insult, too.

I felt miserable about what I said. But I knew it would work, and, in those moments, all you care about is both kids keeping their teeth. When one of the students who knows me more personally came up to me after and told me that he couldn't believe *I* said such a thing, I wanted to vomit.

I agree greatly about your lack of "connectivity" with the current state of "Pride". While the go-go boys are awfully pretty they don't really speak to the gay man in me.

I've always felt I was what a fellow canuck writer referred to as a post-modern homo or "pomo homo." Maybe I've lived too long.

You're right though - we have to find our Pride within our selves. If the go-go boys find it dancing on a float - good for them. If you and I find it in the mode in which we live our lives, well good for us.

And as for the fights? How about valium in the water coolers? Too much? Sleepytime Herb tea, quadruple strength and tell'em it's off market "Red Bull".

Mmmm. The situation you described is a real conundrum. I too have been in situations where, like you and like Chris, I've said things that I knew would be effective but I also felt uncomfortable with. There are all sorts of fine lines and gray areas involved, but when it comes right down to it, I am not happy with myself when I say things like that.

Being called anything sexual -- straight or gay -- is anathema to kids that age; they're still developing. And my mid to late thirty-something (straight male) friends use 'fag' as an insult more out of habit than homophobia; if they happen to use phrases like that in 'mixed' company (ie, in front of a gay friend) they get all sheepish.

I think what you did to break up the fight was brilliant. I'm sorry that you feel unhappy with yourself about it, though. *sigh*

You did not reinforce homophobia. As you know, many boys use physical confrontation as a way to express feelings they cannot verbalize. Outwardly aggressive behavior frequently masks internal affection. It is easier for most boys to slug each other than it is to share a friendly hug. You did not mock the boys or homosexuality. You simply pointed out to them and everyone in the classroom that what we do -- as much, if not more than what we say -- tells a lot about who we are.

Your actions said a great deal about you. You intervened. You took charge of a bad situation and righted it. Despite what it must seem like at times to you, it is not a teacher's duty to police. What you did was commendable. Your words also say a lot about you. You disarmed the boys by pointing out how closely related the physical and sexual are. You told them that if a person is secure and proud of who he is, then he does not need fight to prove it when someone derogatorily says he is something else.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You are a good teacher and a role model. You are both because you are good man -- a good man who is gay and proud of it.

"You disarmed the boys by pointing out how closely related the physical and sexual are."

Until now I've only seen these things expressed as well in good art, Chris, and not in a few closely-written sentences! Great comment.

My reaction echoes Another Chris.

I am sorry you couldn't join us for the parade!

Great story. I can imagine myself doing the same thing and feeling the same mix of pride, doubt, and confusion afterward.

I'm struggling with this all the time, too... Great post!

That sounds incredibly tough and frustrating, like you're trying to hold a primal scream inside. Hang in there, my friend.