« Every time I think I get away, they drag me back in! | Main | Tripping Time! »
July 22, 2006
Supervillain
I wouldn't even think to write about heroes, as so many others write about them better than I could.
Yesterday, I was carrying my umbrella onto the subway. I had one of my momentary impulses to begin smacking people with the umbrella (this happens more than I would care to admit). They weren't doing anything extraordinary, I just wanted to begin smacking people. Umbrellas, as the Penguin and my sister know, can really hurt people. In my moment of mischievous thought, I had my epiphany.
I don't really like superheroes all that much. I like the villains. I want to be a villain.
Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman as Wolverine as much as the next 'mo, especially when he's shirtless. However, if I want to be a tortured, conflicted soul who endlessly battles evil, I'll just continue with the day job. What I really need is a way to blow off steam. I could do yoga, gym time, or drink lots of alcohol, but robbing banks, terrorizing populaces, and beating up 'nice' people sounds much more fun.
Villains don't have to wear spandex, stay in shape, or have an alter-ego. It is encouraged, but not necessary. Their lives and purposes are much clearer than my day to day life, plus they get to be bad. I would like that, occasionally. When I hold my temper as a child hits me or screams at me, it would be much simpler to just simply hypnotize them with a spinning umbrella, or maybe a boxing glove pops out of an umbrella and punches them in the face. Comic, and satisfying.
When I become a supervillain, my homosexuality will be an asset. Maybe I could be called the Mathematician, with a sigma or pi as my symbol. I could even extend the pi joke by using pies as weapons. Not cream pies, but acid pies, cow pies, and pies with mechanisms that wreak havoc. Wreaking in any form is good, and wreaking havoc is the best.
Maybe I'd be called the Faggot (burning ember symbol), and I would just open a can of whup on Congress, the executive branch, and conservative religious groups. I would have a vile chemical weapon called the Santorum that would smear conservatives, revealing their worst lies and hypocrisies. Well, maybe that one would be considered a hero in NYC....
As a villain, I would use my fairly significant mechanical skills to build clever weapons and traps, with that wonderful gay flair. My villainmobile would be quite smart, being fuel efficient yet powerful, and I could tie in all my car skills.
All of these things would give me an outlet for my creativity, which might make me feel less villainous, so maybe this isn't the best idea. Maybe I'll just do it for the summer.
Maybe I should just avoid carrying umbrellas.
Posted by G at July 22, 2006 01:00 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.glennalicious.org/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/532
Comments
A gay leftist villain w/ the evil power to mathematize 'n' throw acidic Pi's at you....
....I'm scared for my fuggin' life.
Thanks for another good read. This post gave me a chuckle.
Posted by: Doug at July 22, 2006 04:17 PM
All those mad scientists you grew up with in Saturday morning cartoons? They were always never married, spoke with dramatic, clipped speech accenting every syllable. They waved their arms in dramatic gestures, had bony little bodies, and said things like "So!!! You decided to come in through the sssecret entryway...well, it all went according to my devious plan!" or "The prisoners are escaping!!!" or "I will rule the world and there's no stopping me once I set my devious plan into motion!" Oh please, miss thing...
Gay.
Posted by: Mike Prov1 at July 23, 2006 01:24 AM
You'd be Mathemaniac. With your twirling umbrella decorated in numbers and forumulas you'd confuse and dazzle your enemies, then smack them. :)
Posted by: Gayest Neil at July 26, 2006 04:05 PM