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November 23, 2006
This little Pilgrim's very first Thanksgiving
I'm getting ready to bake cornbread, some pies, and maybe some bacon wrapped cheese/breadsticks. I will never attempt to cook a turkey again.
Back when I was 18, I moved to Phoenix supposedly to gain residency in Arizona. I really had no idea what to do post-graduation, as I had a semi-retarded basketball coach for a guidance counselor and a vague idea that U of A in Tucson seemed nice. It was all rather silly, as I was a National Merit Finalist, super high ACT and SAT scores, that sort of thing, yet my lack of planning gave me no hope of scholarship. I also rejected my Rotary scholarship of a year in Japan. I was too scared.
Being scared was something I lived with back then. I had finally had my first gay sex in Alaska, and I had admitted to my best friend and my youth pastor that I might be gay. They confirmed to me that what I felt was a huge sin, and I went through quite a few nasty Christian exorcise-the-gay-demon experiences, Christian counseling, ex-gay kind of stuff. Through it all, I was absolutely certain that I was evil and headed straight to hell, and yet I still dreamed of hot, sweaty man-on-man action.
In order to avoid confronting ANY choices in life, I made a non-choice. I moved with my best church friend to Phoenix, where I immediately joined the new church of my youth pastor. I worked a minimum wage job at a lithographer, learned to eat lots of cheap food, and had to beg for money from my parents. I immersed myself in denial, determined to be a normal Christian boy, even justifying having sex with some women in the church, as it was better in my mind than having sex with men.
Now, my wonderful friend Breck was a born again Christian, a hot skater boy who found God when he was 17. Everyone loved Breck, as he was a sweet, fun, and simple soul. The fact that he had huffed gasoline to achieve a high for many years made him a simple, forgetful soul, but I wouldn't know that until we were roommates. He wouldn't ever flush the toilet, would spend all his money on a bike the day before rent was due, and used MY cologne as air freshener for his car.
Thanksgiving came around. I was determined to be little miss homemaker, even though I had no real cooking experience. I went and bought a huge turkey with a pop-up button on the side. Neither Breck nor I had any idea that stuffing was called stuffing because it was stuffed into the turkey, that sort of magical thinking. The turkey was still basically frozen when we put it into the oven. At some vaguely appropriate time, we pulled out our bird that symbolized our independence and adulthood.
Obviously something was wrong with our turkey. As we sliced into the poor creature, we discovered a horrible lining along the inner cavity.
Nobody told us there were organs in a plastic bag inside the turkey. What the hell were they doing in there in the first place? During its long time in our oven, the bag had essentially bonded to the inside, giving us an uncooked cesspool of bacteria stuffing. Yum.
As both of us were broke, we still ate what we could of the turkey. It was too big to fit the disgusting remains in our tiny fridge, so we left it out over the next four or five days on top of the stove, picking at the edible parts. I think it was the day that the grease began bubbling on its own that we finally threw it away. I should have taken it as a sign that my entire life wasn't working, but I continued disastrously for at least another 7 years, and some would say longer than that.
So this Thanksgiving, I give thanks that I have a good life, good friends, good family, and a boyfriend who keeps me away from cooking large birds.
Posted by G at November 23, 2006 09:23 AM
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Comments
Never cook a turkey again?
How about never EAT a turkey again! LOL.
Posted by: Blobby at November 23, 2006 10:42 AM
Fabulous.
And the stuffing of giblets? Me too! My first (and last) turkey still had the feathers and the head on; I swear the boyf thought we were dining with Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Have a great thanksgiving, and pat yourself on the back for getting from there to here.
x
Posted by: Derek at November 23, 2006 10:46 AM
Happy Turkey Day! (I'm posting from work - it's just another thursday up here!)
And remember those pilgrims - as Fran Descher once said "Big hat, big buckle, big shoes - that's a difficult look to pull off."
Posted by: Jim (The Canuck One) at November 23, 2006 10:53 AM
Happy Thanksgiving, G! And someday you should make a turkey, just so you can get past that experience! (It's really not all that hard.)
Posted by: MikeProv1 at November 23, 2006 02:16 PM
At least you threw the turkey out and decided at some point to start your life
hugs
tommy
Posted by: tommy at November 24, 2006 07:50 AM
happy thanksgiving pilgrim! i'm glad you escaped arizona and the cluthes of the church, much like the real pilgrims. sort of.
Posted by: jiminy at November 24, 2006 11:19 AM
Personally I have gotten very good at making Thanksgiving turkey sandwiches. My secret ingredient? A little leg. I flash it at the deli counter.
Posted by: Chris at November 24, 2006 11:54 AM
yo are a wonderful writer. thanks for sharing that... I look forward to getting where you are now...
Posted by: tay hota at November 24, 2006 12:55 PM
Ah, fear. I'm glad you've moved past that. :-)
Posted by: Randy McDonald at November 25, 2006 09:10 AM
It may surprise you to learn that I have successfully cooked about a dozen turkeys in my life. However, the first WAS cooked with the giblets still inside. You are not alone.
Posted by: Joe.My.God. at November 25, 2006 07:10 PM
and thus began your compulsion to eat rancid food.
Posted by: brian nesbitt at November 26, 2006 01:22 PM
Huh -- When we got to the part about the melted bag o' organs, I though for sure that this entry would end in the emergency room. Then, as a hunky doctor pumped you full of antibiotics, you realized the true meaning of Thanksgiving: That Being Gay is Absolutely Fabulous, Darling.
Posted by: GayProf at November 26, 2006 05:10 PM
That's what happens when you move to Flea-nix, G! You shoulda moved to TooStoned! ;-)
I've never tried to cook a turkey....I'm too afraid to try.
Posted by: Lee at November 27, 2006 02:39 AM