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August 07, 2007

BaltiMORE!

Most importantly, I should mention that the VirginFest rawked! Ben Harper, Beastie Boys, Regina Spektor, and Panic! At the disco were my favorite performers, while the Police and Smashing Pumpkins were pretty fun. Sting's neck is looking REALLY ropey. As far as megaconcerts go, I was really impressed with their scheduling (all bands started on time), acoustics, and layout.

There was delicious food, especially the crab stuff on pretzels covered with cheese. Copious amounts of fat, salt, and bottom dwellers blended together on a pretzel are hard to resist.

There were interesting locals. Some seemed to have escaped from a Water's film. Some seemed to have escaped from the Home for Cute Furry Boys.

I even got to witness my first ever Roller Derby, courtesy of Baltimore's Charm City Roller Girls.

Like cricket, the rules were a bit obscure, so I asked some of the charming ladies afterwards how it works. It isn't just girls slamming around, crashing HARD onto the ground and each other. There are two 'jammers' in the back of the group, and they have to pass all the other girls twice AND stay within certain lines to score. I have to say that if I lived in Baltimore, I would go to all their events, as it was seriously fun, and they really enjoy themselves. They also endear themselves to me because of their awesome monikers like Corset Hurts, Slap Tackle Pop, and Iona Handgun.

However, Baltimore itself was serious f'ed up. When we first arrived by my first ever trip on a train in the US, we were put into a cab with the most seriously crazy cab driver I have ever had to deal with. Mr. Petou from Congo desired to share the most intimate details of his love life even as he openly gloated on how much money he was going to get from us. Apparently, if you're his wife or any other woman, you need to just 'find a tree with a vagina and fuck it." Oh yes, he was that fun, even as we listened to christian music and his little memo on how to say Jesus in Japanese fluttered underneath the meter.

The hotel was at the end of their one subway line. However, their subway line is illogically only for people with cars, as there were NO sidewalks or pedestrian crossings to get there. We had to walk about 15-20 minutes along a dirt path. There was a mall close to the station, but it was blocked by a lake and a giant fence from the subway. The only reasoning I can see for the extra mile's distance around the mall is that the mall/neighborhood does not want anyone from the subway to come to their mall. Also, their subway cars are seriously sketchy, with seats that have absorbed a LOT of strange liquids apparent from the stains. The shuttle to Pimlico (where the concert was held) went through some of the most abject poverty I have seen in the US. Junkies passed out everywhere, derelict buildings (Baltimore lost nearly 80,000 people from 1980-2000), and garbage. I thought the HBO show The Wire was dramatizing things, but no. When the average per capita income is only $16000, that's a lot of poverty to deal with.

After the concert, it was even more fun. They didn't anticipate the number of people trying to exit, as there were no lines, gates, anything like that, so thousands of people were trying to get onto a seriously limited number of buses. People kept shoving until the crowds were pushed two lanes into the street. A cop finally appeared, yelled at everyone to back up, but it was impossible. When we finally got back to our subway stop, we saw a road that we hoped might be a shorter path to the hotel. Sadly, it wasn't, unless we hopped a fence, ran across a freeway, and hopped another fence. Going all the way back, we were pretty much the only people in the area, except for a group of teens jumping and whooping on/in an SUV. We only remembered this as we were walking down the dirt path of death when their SUV screeched up to us and something whizzed past us. They then raced off with their lights off. We looked next to us, and they had chucked a TEN INCH SCREWDRIVER at us. Charming. At least it was Craftsman brand, so Dave now has a nice tool/weapon. We continued on our way, stopping at the gas station for some food, as everything else was closed. We finally got to the hotel and fell into our beds.

On Sunday, we had the hotel call us a cab. The concerts again were fantastic, but we left about 20 minutes into the Smashing Pumpkins, as we didn't want to deal with any havoc to get back to the train station. We knew it was only 6 miles to the station, but the cabbie tried to screw us by driving extra distance. When I questioned him about the $28 dollar fare, he said that his meter was 'screwy' and that it was actually only $18. Bastard! Once we were ensconced in the waiting area of the station, I thanked Dave and joked that it was good that all the bad luck was behind us. That jinxed us, as then the train was over an hour late. Stupid, stupid me. We were both filthy and tired, and we were still in Baltimore.

**update** Dave just sent me his favorite musings on Baltimore:
1. Misogyny is ever so marginally less offensive when it is wrapped in a French Congan (Congoan?) accent.

2. Quote of the weekend: "Trees should have vaginas." - J Patou, taxi driver/philosopher.

3. Dialogue of the weekend:
Glenn- "Can we walk from the hotel to Pimlico?"
Cabbie Petou.- "HA HA HA HA! - ah you crazy - you end up on channel 13 news - "two crazy new yorkers try to walk to pimlico! HA HA HA!"

4. "Balto" is a stupid fuckin' nickname for a town.

5. I was psyched to pay ONLY 8 bucks for a 24 oz beer at the concert, because I thought it was a good deal compared to home.

6. Query: Are Baltimore hooligans less evolved than elsewhere because they do drivebys with simple hand tools instead of advanced projectile shooting tools?

7. Souvenirs from trip: concert tshirt, $30; 10" Craftsman screwdriver, free.

8. Cab fare from Pimlico to Penn Station: $28 on the meter, unless you call the cabbie out like the crook that he is, in which case it's only $18.

9. Stupid underage drunk chicks are even more annoying in your 30s, especially when their stupid underage drunk chick friends tell you she's about to puke on your shoes.

10. Tens of thousands of at least quasi-affluent white kids going apeshit for Wu Tang Clan at a venue situated in a poor, predominantly black neighborhood.

11. Realization that I'm getting old: Beastie Boys played songs I grew up loving that were older than many of the kids jumping around.

12. The "subway" terminates at Owings Mills, adjacent to a big mall and cinema multiplex, and large apartment complex. Is there a direct path to walk the 100 meters from subway exit to these places? No. You have to walk along a busy, poorly lit 4 lane road with no sidewalks for approximately 1 mile to get there. Whether this is due to racism or stupidity, it's another example of why "Balto" fails as a city and NYC works.

Click here for extra photos from Baltimore

Posted by G at August 7, 2007 08:51 AM

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Posted by: PatCH at August 8, 2007 12:33 PM

Posted by: derek at August 10, 2007 04:13 AM

Posted by: Todd HellsKitchen at August 16, 2007 03:14 PM