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October 04, 2007

Like every other kid, I should not have made it through childhood

A coworker regaled me with a story from their childhood involving cardboard, string, and a roof. Their childhood imagination had the sincerest belief that cardboard wings would create the first flying child. Imagination and optimism had a crash course with reality, of course, but that didn't preclude at least another attempt with more cardboard.

I look at my own childhood with a vague sense of amazement, as I have no broken limbs, besides my skull, and no toxic repercussions immediately evident. A perfect example would be Stretch Armstrong.

I had both Stretch AND Stretch Monster. Like most toys in the 70's, they didn't do much, but I LOVED THEM. What did they do? They stretched, like up to 4 feet. The commercial makes them look great, but I also remember reading all the warnings that came with the toys. You couldn't freeze him. You couldn't boil him. You couldn't puncture him, or if you did, you were supposed to get help immediately. As probably every other kid decided after playing with them for a few months, I froze him, boiled him, and punctured him. The freezing made him, well, less elastic, or at least until I boiled him, which made him a little saggy. When I punctured him, he began to leak RED GOO. Did I seek help? No. I LICKED IT, because it looked like syrup. Oddly enough, it was supersweet (but with a really interesting latex'ish aftertaste), which makes me think that it had a sugar base with maybe propylene glycol. I finished about a third of him before I got sick.

As a proto-nerd, I was also the kid who spent his paper route money on microscopes and chemistry kits. There was the experiment of breaking open mercury-filled thermometers with my sister so we could chemically bond it with pennies (it makes the copper shiny). No gloves, no parental supervision, and no warning in the book I had read from. If I can't remember someone's name now, I think I have an excuse.

Of course, being the little brother to two sisters, I was also the test pilot for any backyard creation. Backyard swings? Get some rope, a tin trash can lid, and let's have baby brother go swinging off the tree house to test it. I clearly remember one time where the trash lid's handle immediately ripped off the lid while I was launching out into open air. There was little me- plummeting to the ground, SCRAPING the inside of my legs clamped around the lid and rope, thrashing in pain. Both my sisters pinned me to the ground, clamping my mouth so my mom wouldn't hear the screams, and they kept chanting that everything was fine, that it was fun. Once the screams had dwindled to tear-choked hiccups, I let them convince me that it WAS FUN, as repetition must make something true. Within a few minutes, I tested again. Right into the tree.

This doesn't even take into account the number of times that working for my dad almost killed me.

Posted by G at October 4, 2007 06:02 PM

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Comments

I also remember children's toys as being both dangerous and educational. These included:

- a device that melted plastic into molds to make new toys
- erector sets that pinched
- Easy Bake ovens that burned
- climbing up the 60 ft silo to throw my GI Joe off with a parachute

Posted by: homer at October 5, 2007 09:43 AM

>>I finished about a third of him before I got sick.

i think had i been drinking milk whilst reading this it would have shot out of my nose.

Posted by: brian Nesbitt at October 5, 2007 11:02 PM

I had forgotten about climbing to dangerous heights to try out parachutes on toys. There was also daring each other to jump out trees,(my younger brother tore BOTH achilles tendons) attempted dare devil stunts on bikes and various experiments with fireworks. Blowing things up was so cool! Somehow I managed to make it through with only a broken nose.

Posted by: Tony at October 6, 2007 04:38 PM

I too had a chemistry kit as a kid (also financed by my paper route, btw). One day, after mixing various chemicals together, the liquid SHOT out of the test tube and hit the ceiling. I spent weeks trying to get the same explosive combination of chemicals (I never did get it right again). It is amazing I didn't kill myself or burn my house down.

And I had a TOTAL crush on Stretch Armstrong.

Posted by: DavidDust at October 8, 2007 01:13 PM

ive never had a broken limb either!

Posted by: chris at October 9, 2007 02:04 PM

Stretch was my favorite toy. That and my sister's EasyBake Oven.

Posted by: sandy at October 10, 2007 06:37 AM

oh, gawd, i loved Stretch Armstrong.
he was so hot.

then my sister bit him in the groin area. she didn't bit hard enough to puncture but there were teeth marks where his pee pee should have been forever after.

kind of ruined it for me after that--seeing my sister's bite marks on stretch.
sigh.

Posted by: rob at October 10, 2007 09:59 AM